I haven't been in such a wonderful place. To be honest I haven't been in a happy place for the last week or so. That's why most of you haven't seen much of me at all on here/Facebook/Skype/Twitter. Only time I've been online is just applying for tons of jobs and surprisingly I'm getting responses/phonecalls. But that's besides the point really. All I can say is I've been feeling extremely depressed, which is something I've never felt in such a long time now. It's playing havoc with my emotions and mind and I doubt I'll snap out of it soon, so please don't expect me to take on an optimistic attitude when I don't have the energy or desire to put on a smiley face or do anything positive. All I know is that I kinda hate life right now and I'm just starting to resent almost everything good and bad in the world. My self worth is deterioating to the point where I just don't care about myself or anyone/anything anymore.
My family has picked up on my moodiness as they kept on asking me why I've got a bad temper or pulling faces most of the time. And because I'm pretty much unresponsive or not in a good mood there have been times when I got told off for it. Granted, I got what I deserved, especially when I tried to be a smartarse at times. More than once I've been asked "What's wrong with you?" and stuff like that. Hell, I've even cried in private or in front of my family some days this week. All in all being me these past few days hasn't been fun or pleasant. That's what depression does to a person, and if you have suffered from depression then you would know how much it destroys a person mentally, physcially and emotionally.
The point is I've been single for two whole years - as most of you know my last relationship was with Nick. Also, the other morning I woke up and realised I have not been on a date or have been actually kissed/hugged by the opposite sex for 4 straight years. The last person who I shared these things with was Chris. And because of these facts staring me hard in the face I feel like an utter failure. It just seems that everybody is doing just fine when it comes to love (and maybe sex) while my love life is very much non existent. And I fear that this will continue for the rest of my life. What's the point in leaving something on life support in the hopes it will become better when in all seriousness it's dead. No use in pretending everything is okay when in fact it's quite the opposite. I know a lost cause when I see one.
Truth be told I'm getting really sick and tired of this whole love business. It's all just pointless in my opinion. Honestly I really cannot stand hearing about people falling in love, getting married/engaged and whatnot. I don't like it when people says to me they have been recently talking to a girl/guy and stuff like that. It does my head in half the time and I just feel compelled to dislike that person when something like that happens to them. You can say that I'm merely being jealous or whatever, but so what? I'm entitled to feel negative emotions because it is human nature. After all, I just don't want to be romantically involved with a man ever due to my past experiences in relationships. Everyone seems to have no problems when it comes to love and dating, but not me. There must be something wrong with me and I have no idea what it is. How I can solve anything without knowing what the problem might be in the first place? In other words, me + men/relationships/love = extremely impossible/the odds are totally against me everytime.
Long distance/online relationships vs in real life
Suffice to say, after my relationship with Nick I disapprove of long distanced relationships. I made a vow to myself not to fall in love with someone online (and who is most probably out of my reach) whether they be in a different country or somewhere in the United Kingdom. I've kept true to my word after all this time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that people shouldn't be get into online relationships because it's their choice and I respect the fact that some of my friends are in those kind of relationships. But when it comes to me personally, I don't think I can cope with having to go through the same experiences/problems that I had in my last relationship. Seriously, it has put me off it altogether and it's such a touchy/sensitive subject with me even til this day. I just realised that online relationships don't stand a chance of working out even when both parties want it to. All you get at the end of it is so much disappointment, anguish, trouble and heart ache. It wouldn't be fair on me to maintain an online relationship with anyone in my country where there is no chance of us actually meeting up. Even though Chris and I first met each other on Facebook we managed to get over that barrier as it did turn from an online relationship to an offline/real life relationship. But that's the only lucky time that things worked out.
When it comes to real life on the other hand don't get me started. It's a challenge for me due to the fact I suffer from social anxiety. And with any phobia you are stuck with it for life - there is no cure. Sure, you can't get rid of it altogether but you learn ways of coping/different ways of congnitive approaches on how to keep the anxiety at a more managable level. The alarming thing I discovered is a few days ago I read online that people with social anxiety are less likely to date, form healthy relationships or get married. That has increased my anxiety/fears tenfold because a) that is really believable due to the fact it fits in with what the anxiety actually entails and b) what chance do I stand because I'm beginning to show these signs. Overall if I struggle in real life and if I choose to avoid online relationships, how the hell am I to find love when they are no other options?
So apparently I have "experienced love"
I was recently reminded I have experienced love and relationships. Uh...what part of love involves heartache, break ups and generally all the undesirable things? If that's the definition of the word love then wouldn't you say that's a fucked up version of the term? I may not be an expert but I thought love was a good thing where you feel safe with that person and it will last a lifetime in which you don't experience hurt or pain and/or not having to fear that they won't ever leave your side. To be fair I do know that realistically every relationship has its fair shares of good and bad moments, however when it came to all my relationships it seemed that the bad outweighed the good and that's where break ups usually come into play. I know I should be lucky because none of my boyfriends have ever cheated on me, however I kinda feel that I wasn't really their type when they made me believe I was at the time. It's just so confusing - something about that doesn't sit quite well with me. Is it too much to ask that I want a relationship/marriage that kinda echoes my mother and father's marriage? Apparently with my track record it is. It seems real/true love rarely exists - almost borderline mythical like ancient stories.
Other people worrying about me.
One of my friends told me a few days ago that she wouldn't mind seeing me with a boyfriend. Granted, she does mean well in saying that and wishing for the best if anything, but fucking hell getting a boyfriend isn't simple like fucking buying yourself a pair of shoes. Please excuse the bad language and all, but it just adds to my frustrations. I honestly didn't know how to react to what was said - instead all I could do is remain quiet and utter a non commital/half arsed "Yeah." And then without me saying anything the subject of my viginity came up and the conclusion was I should get laid. Well yeah, I do want to have sex but in order to have that experience you have to have a boyfriend to begin with. So me not having a boyfriend means I'm incapable of having sex ever. And that kinda brings me to my next point...
"Don't worry, it just shows you are saving your virginity to the right man."
I have heard this countless of times and after a while it gets boring and rather tiresome. I have a theory - it doesn't take the "right" person to find when it comes to sex. When it comes to a lifelong commitment such as marriage then yes, I do understand you have to choose a suitable partner to spend the rest of your life with. Okay, so explain this to me - if there are "right" people to have sex with, why does casual sex/one night stands happen in life? I'm really curious as to if a person has a logical answer to that scenario. I'm not one to engage in casual sex (never will and never have) so I wouldn't know.
What the hell does men want/expect in relationships?
I have no idea as to what men want in a relationship with a woman? Seriously, I've tried to give it a go and try to figure out what they want but dammit all, I just want to give up trying to understand the opposite sex. Trying to understand them is like trying to solve a difficult Maths problem - a bit of an over the top comparision, but I have know no idea to describe it any better. Go figure. And everyone knows Maths is not a strength I possess. All I've learnt from pretty much all of my ex boyfriends is I want something and the most frustrating thing about it is they're not willing to meet me halfway and/or they want something completely different. Now, I don't really class Matt and James as serious boyfriends/relationships because they lasted something like less than a month. And I'm thankful that they didn't last long because within a few weeks I could tell both of them weren't the right people for me. All they were concerned about was sex - not a a strong foundation to base your relationship on, right?
During my therapy sessions with Tina, once we did have a session based on what constitutes as a normal/healthy relationship. I had to list out any traits/attributes that I associated with what a healthy relationship should be. Basically there were no right or wrong answers.When I told her my answers she was very pleased with what I said as it proved to her that I do have knowledge and understanding of desirable traits in a suitable person/relationship. The thing is even though we do have some sort of basic idea, sometimes reality doesn't match up with your expectations. That's one of the many things she made clear to me.
What I fail to get my head round is I put 100% into my relationships, especially those that I consider to be serious. Two of my relationships were serious as they did last over 6 months. I must have done something seriously wrong to have messed things up due to the fact they didn't want the same things that I wanted. I just don't get it - I was loyal/faithful, caring, considerate, loving and basically all those other good traits that I can't think of at this moment in time. I don't see why that wasn't enough for them personally. All I can say is they must want the same traits I displayed but with another person. And yes, I do take that to heart. I do take those things personally because it does involve me as a person.
I don't know...perhaps it has something to do with my values/beliefs along with my personality. Maybe my problem is sometimes I expect too much when it come to love/relationships. I won't deny that I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately that doesn't get me anywhere in life. I'm just scared of getting involved with a man and then it will be rinse and repeat all over again. Why should I put in the effort in falling in love or leaving myself vulnerable to someone when all I get is nothing but heartache? Honestly, I am not cut out for love/sex/relationships.