literature

Split Into Two

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British-Prophetess's avatar
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Literature Text

Stay by my side - no, go away,
Leave me to wallow in misery.
Envelop me in your arms while I
Envision tearing down your brittle
Protection in order to kill you.

Love me, please - argh, hate me,
Eventually you'll learn all my dark
Secrets and flee away from - please
Say that you and I will be forever.

Ah, just what am I saying? A
Normal mind isn't what I possess!

Unless I drink your sweet blood,
Nothing else will soothe me.
Take you savagely by the throat
And snap - God, that is enough!
Mention to me once again how my
Eyes shine like rare treasures,
Daring you to desire me more.

Bring me to ecstasy with a kiss,
Ease my pain with your kind touch.
All I want is to - I'd love to
Slice your aching flesh into pieces,
Tormenting you until you're finished.
This is the last of two poems for April 19th in celebration of National Poetry Month 2012. Although you have to write one poem per day in April, I decided to write two.

Don't ask my why I wrote this. It's just that I wanted to write about a person whose mind was split into good and evil. It's a like a battle of domination between the two conflicting sides.
© 2012 - 2024 British-Prophetess
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H-A-Cooke's avatar
[This is one of three of my Critiques from one of your first Give a Critique Get a Critique forums.]

VISION: 3/5

The poem barely scratches the surface of the psychological and emotional battle the Speaker of the poem is feeling. If you really embraced the acrostic at work here, even if it is an unintentional acrostic:  SLEEPLESS AN UNTAMES BEAST - you can add in the physical aspect that highlights the desperate emotion that is waiting to be developed in between the lines.



ORIGINALITY: 4/5

The use of simplistic language works to create layers of meaning, which need to be unraveled through many readings. The real highlight of the poem, which catches the attention due to the dark turn is Stanza Four:

"Unless I drink your sweet blood,
Nothing else will soothe me.
Take you savagely by the throat
And snap - God, that is enough!
Mention to me once againg how my
Eyes shine like rare treasures,
Daring you to desire me more."

There are so many complexities tied up in this stanza. Not to mention the sudden visceral images that come to mind with strangulation - the concept that no matter how happy one can feel in a relationship  there is a feeling of suffocation - one that lurks beneath the surface. This is the "game changing" stanza, and with a few edits (suggested below) it can become an even stronger and more obvious stanza.


TECHNIQUE: 2/5

:bulletpurple: Voice

The conflicted nature of the Speaker's thoughts and feelings really gives the poem a personality. As a reader (and a poet) I get a strong sense of this individual's anguish. For the minutes it takes me to unravel the many emotional and psychological layers of the piece, I feel that I really get to know the Speaker and that I sympathize with her/his situation (as I have experienced a romantic  relationship in which these emotions were amplified).

:bulletpurple: Flow:

Another strength, which can be increased throughout the poem through enjambment (the technique of splitting a thought between two lines), of this piece is the Stream of Consciousness, the free-flowing thought process that allows for flexibility between total love and dependence and anger.  


:bulletpurple:  Acrostic Convention:

The convention (how the poem is constructed) tells a poet to capitalize each letter of the Acrostic (the word which is read vertically, in this case:   Sleepless An Untamed Beast). However, in order to preserve the flow of the poem, I have suggested (through the use of bold font, several areas in the poem where lowercase words benefit the flow of continuous thoughts. For this poem, I believe that breaking convention will allow you (the writer) and your audience (the readers) to get the layers of meaning out without having the incorrect cue of 'new thought' - which is what capitalizing letters does in poetry - where there isn't a needed cue.


Stay by my side - no,
leave me to wallow in misery. As you
envelope me in your arms - I
envision tearing down your brittle
protection in order to kill you.
Love me, please - hate me.
Eventually you'll learn my dark
secrets and flee. Please
say that you and I will be forever.

^ :bulletpurple: Instead of separating the first two stanzas, you can increase the chaotic panic the Speaker feels by combining Stanza 1: Sleep and Stanza 2: Less into one Stanza that reads: Sleepless - for the acrostic aspect.

^ :bulletgreen: I haven't included the original stanzas for comparison, but I have suggested some grammatical changes, mainly omitting phrases so that the writing is more uniform, which increases the flow for stream of consciousness.

^ :bulletred: Several punctuation marks have been altered and added to help increase cues to the reader that a thought has changed. That way you can still keep the integrity of the confusion, but properly use punctuation.

Ah! What am I saying? A
normal mind I don't possess!

^ :bulletblue: Here, the second line of the stanza has been rephrased. Often using less words to get across the same idea improves a poem by giving the illusion of "strait and to the point," and then upon second glance the underlying meanings begin to unfold.


Unless I drink your sweet blood;
nothing else will soothe me-
To take you by the throat
and snap - God that is enough!
Mention to me again how my
eyes shine like rare treasures,
daring you to desire me.

^:bulletred:  Semi-colons are used to separate two independent clauses (sentences which can function on their own, but which are linked by similar content or emotional value).   The dash, in poetry, represents a tangent of thought, and can be used in this stanza to increase the tension that builds up to the Speaker's final "break."


Bring me to ecstasy with a kiss;
Ease my pain with your touch.
All I want -  I'd love to
slice your aching flesh to pieces -
tormenting you until you're finished.

^ :bulletpurple: This poem ends on a strangely light, yet disturbing note. It's intriguing, because it wraps the poem up  on a realistic level. Often, when people experience these kinds of extreme thought, they tend to end the relationship feeling bitter, angry unable to  (in the months following the end) view their Ex with any positivity. It's refreshing to see that accurately portrayed.


IMPACT: 5/5 

Most readers will have experienced this drastic pull of emotion, whether than be in a friendship, romantic relationship or in a familial sense. The real strength of this poem lies in the fact that the Reader has to re-read it. The concepts get underneath the skin - and create this uncomfortable reality - which in some ways can be therapeutic to read - especially because most people who feel this way (after a relationship) don't think anyone can understand them, they feel alone in their savage inclinations. 

This piece can really give a lot of people closure, permission to feel those negative feelings, and to know that after those are processed it is possible to be happy again!

~ H-A-Cooke