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About Literature / Hobbyist Official Beta Tester Kay29/Female/United Kingdom Groups :iconbeginners-corner: Beginners-Corner
Making Pros out of Beginnners
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Deviant for 6 Years
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Literature
Home At Long Last
Familiar sights;
Ah, I'm truly home at last!
But how to settle?
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Mature content
Sexual Urges? :iconbritish-prophetess:British-Prophetess 9 8
Literature
The Wrong Side Of The Law Chapter 4
Chapter 4 – The Glorious Path Of Success?
(Norio’s POV)
As we approached the familiar metropolis that was Shinjuku I was still fuming. I know wallowing in strong emotions wasn’t so much a wise idea, but after what happened, and of course Katsumi fleeing away, I wasn’t in the mood to cheer myself up. I remained outside the warehouse for a good two minutes after the bitch escaped, just pacing up and down in order to try and relieve the immense fury bubbling up inside of me. It took a while for Michinaga to convince me that we should head back to the police station. There was nothing we do at all – she along with her two bodyguards was long gone. Also we didn’t have a clue as to which direction she must have taken. As much as I disliked the idea of going back empty handed with our tails tucked between our legs like pathetic dogs, I soon relented, my decision pleasing Michinaga in the process.
I felt utterly defeated. Defeated and half crazed to the poin
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Literature
The Wrong Side Of The Law Chapter 3
Chapter 3 – When Two Forces Collide
(Katsumi’s POV)
“I want you to teach them a lesson they certainly won’t forget,” Mr Imagawa said, a faint glint in his dark eyes. “So, Miss Yania, are you up for the challenge?”
Even though I expected him to say something like that, nothing could prepare the faint shock waves coursing through me, travelling from my head down to my feet. It felt like an adrenaline rush, but instead of feeling a mild surge of anticipation I felt worry knotting in my stomach. When he said he wanted me to teach them a lesson, what did it actually entail of? Surely he didn’t expect me – the Black Mist - to engage the bosozoku gang just for the purpose of senseless killing?
If there’s one thing I was strongly against, it’s murder. Just the mere idea of taking someone else’s life away went against my strong principles. I consider myself a streetwise criminal, a warrior of the Japanese underworl
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Literature
The Wrong Side Of The Law Chapter 2
Chapter 2 – End Of The Line, But For Who?
(Katsumi’s POV)
“Boss, I still think there’s somethin’ fishy about that damn taxi behind us.”
I rolled my eyes upwards in response to Hiro’s statement. Not this again…For the past ten minutes neither Hiro’s twin sister or I could get him to shut his mouth. Like the stubborn jackass that he is, he still stuck to his guns, vehemently insisting that this particular yellow cab was deliberating following us for some strange reason. What I didn’t understand is we seen many taxis during our journey. What the hell was so special about this one?
The more his gaze flickered to the rear-view mirror, the more his apparent paranoia would worsen considerably. Also, it was beginning to kinda piss me off.
“Hiro, I’d appreciate it if you keep your eyes on the road,” I said. “Or should I transfer driving duties to Asuka in the future?”
A faint chuckle came from the blue hai
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Literature
The Wrong Side Of The Law Chapter 1
Chapter 1 – Right Place At The Wrong Time?
(Norio’s POV)
I glanced down at my phone, frowning when I noticed the time. What could be taking her so long?
We were meant to meet outside Starbucks promptly at 11:30am for a mid-morning coffee break. Judging by the fact it was nearing midday, she was almost half an hour late. Pretty unusual since Chieko liked nothing than maintaining an excellent manner of time keeping – something we both shared in common due to upholding the law in the Shinjuku district of Tokyo. Being a Detective was a privilege on its own, albeit a career that comes with severe risks you can never imagine of. In spite of the danger and the constant threat of death lurking around each corner, there’s no greater reward in bringing a direct end to a case that’s been dragged over weeks, or even a couple of months. Seeing a criminal be brought to justice is the reason you dedicate your life to protect citizens at all costs, even if you put your ve
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Mature content
The Epitome Of The Devil :iconbritish-prophetess:British-Prophetess 4 4
Literature
OTP Challenge: Day 20 - Dancing
From their secluded table right at the far back, Rosa and Adrian watched with clear fascination and interest, surprised at the sight before them. In the many years they’d known Carolina and James for, this was the very first time they’d saw the couple dance before – and God, they were certainly killing it. The dark haired male, smiling from ear to ear, twirled his fiancée of two weeks around on the dark floor, their feet and bodies moving in time to the fiery beat of the Latino music complete with passionate guitar riffs.
Rosa leaned back in her seat, her hands sprawled across her stomach, noticing how slightly bigger it has grown considering the fact she was four months pregnant. She sighed upon thinking that shortly she would have a lot of difficulty in fitting into her normal clothes in the coming months. She ought to prepare for the changes of her body she was about to go through. Maybe it would be in her best interest for her and Adrian to take a trip into t
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Literature
OTP Challenge: Day 10 - With Animal Ears
Rosa covered her ears with her hands as soon as Daniel let out another deafening cry that could have put the mythological Banshee to shame. Unfortunately Adrian didn’t have the luxury to muffle out the sounds, wincing slightly as he caught an earful of the shrill scream while he held his six month old nephew close in his arms.
“God, for someone so small he has a freaking set of lungs on him,” Adrian remarked for the third time within fifteen minutes or so. Much to the British woman’s surprise, he remained taken back by how exactly loud a baby can be at times.
Then again, what did they know about children when they were both in their early twenties and still attending university? Barely anything considering the fact the couple had been dating for an entire year.
“I’d say we call either call Alex or Sean,” she suggested, trying her best to help out. Adrian tried to discreetly hide the fact his jaw was clenching by bringing his mouth closer to the
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Literature
Don't Mention Spoilers!
Laying rather comfortably on his stomach, Donut stared dreamily into space while thoughtfully chewing on the end of his pen. He was so close to finishing a RWBY fan fiction he had been working diligently on for the past two hours or so. Problem is he was completely stuck on what to write for the finale of his masterpiece. It would be a mighty shame to give up right now, especially when he poured all his passion and dedication into weaving a story about how two of his favourite characters from the anime finally fell head over heels in love with each other.
Ah, Pyrrha Nikos and Jaune Arc – the valiant, headstrong huntress and the socially awkward guy with an underlying sense of courage and gentleness. What a perfect couple they make indeed! Even around the galaxy most people, mostly on the internet forums, perceived Pyrrha and Jaune as quite a popular romantic shipping.
Just as his pen was about to meet with the paper, he forced himself to resume writing no matter what came to mind
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Literature
Sticking Together
“So what’s the deal with you and Wash?” South asked, a not so innocent smile upon her attractive face as she peaked behind CT’s locker door.
CT just stared at her in mild disbelief. Why did everyone jump to the conclusion that her and Wash might be dating when in fact she wasn’t interested in him that way. Honestly they were no longer in high school – for goodness sake they were professional soldiers, the best of the best according to the Director, the scientific genius behind a secret military organisation known as Project Freelancer.
The brunette heaved a sigh, shoving her helmet into the locker before shutting it close with a quiet thud. Knowing that this was some kind of girl talk, something CT honestly had no interest in participating, she perched herself on the nearby bench. Needless to say she wasn’t surprised when the blonde haired woman followed suit.
“There’s nothing going on between us two,” she admitted, not caring
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Literature
The Prodigal Leader Returns
Church appeared beside Carolina in his holographic form, smiling at his surprised friends. Words cannot express how actually happy he was to see them all here, especially after Carolina had saved them from getting exploded in the nick of time.
As usual, he had to be his smartass self, not really caring for soppy and emotional reunions. Church spread out his arms, holding them straight in the air while arrogantly boasting, “Miss me, assholes?”
A few seconds passed by and much to his surprise no one spoke or even moved a single muscle. Any moment now they were going to express their happiness at their arrival and maybe even offer undying gratitude for teleporting them to a safe place. Hell, a part of Church looked forward to listening to Caboose chattering away about the many adventures he got himself into – maybe overtime Church came to accept the idiotic Blue soldier as one of his closest friends no matter how irritating he can be most of the time.
Tucker was the firs
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Literature
Y'all Can Suck It!
"My night's about to get a whole lot worse, isn't it?" Nevada asked, a low groan escaping his throat when a certain cheerful Irishman disturbed him from smoking in the Freelancer common room. Rhode Island, amused by the American’s reaction, sat himself down on the chair opposite from him, dark eyes twinkling with mischief.
“Ya know, you may have so-called unlimited luck but I’m a cunnin’ trickster with the charm of a devil,” Rhode Island claimed proudly.
The green and orange Freelancer just stared at him, wishing he could wipe the smirk off the male’s face. He blew smoke in his face, watching with satisfaction as Rhode coughed slightly.
“So I lost the fight,” Nevada admitted with a shrug. “No fucking big deal.”
“You cannot turn back on yer word. Loser pays the price, remember?”
Nevada pursed his lips, nodding. Since both Agents were well versed in close quarter combat they agreed to a training match to see which on
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Literature
Cold Feet
For once in her life, Carolina was understandably nervous to some extent. In no less than five minutes time, she along with the Reds and the Blues were to have their photograph taken with the most influential person of the United Nation Space Command.
Why, the Chairman of course.
Much to their surprise it seemed that those who were in positions of authority seemed to have caught wind about them successfully taking down the Director as well as Project Freelancer. It only had been two weeks ago since that happened, so all of them were baffled as to how the news spread like wildfire.  Then again it didn’t matter too much since throughout the colonies, inner and outer, the Reds and Blues managed to build quite a large reputation for themselves.
They were known as heroes. Valiant heroes who saw fit to bring justice to a corrupt militarily organisation whose questionable actions and unlawful ethnics were very much frowned upon. It seemed they could do what the UNSC failed to do.
C
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Literature
One Man Army
“Tell me again why I let you convince me that this was even remotely a good idea,” York grumbled, glaring at Wyoming from his position behind a metal pillar. Bullets peppered the support beam, causing small chunks to sail past the tanned Freelancer.
“Well, Carolina did ask us to move up,” the British Freelancer defended himself, keeping an even and polite term despite rolling his eyes in his helmet. He didn’t appreciate the blame being pinned on him, especially when he was just following orders.
How was Wyoming supposed to foretell that they were going to be pinned here by the enemy for the past five minutes? Before both the Freelancers infiltrated the main hanger via jetpacks, catching the Insurrectionists by surprise, they successfully managed to overwhelm the forces in spite of the odds. It was quite laughable to say the least that they got bested by merely two guys, but then again lady luck was on the Agent’s sides – that is until they foun
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Literature
Money Grabbing As Usual
“The question is very simple. But also very difficult. How high a price are you willing to pay for protection?”
Embarrassingly Church’s knees started to give way after hearing those bold words spoken by Tex in such a cocky manner. In order to not make himself look week in front of his former girlfriend, he stood up taller, stared directly at her and puffed out his chest.
“It’s always money with you, isn’t it, Tex?” he scoffed, slightly shaking his head. In the years they’ve known each other she still hadn’t change one bit at all – always a money grabbing bitch. “I mean, couldn’t you do a favour for once in your goddamn life?”
“Well, what do you expect?” She shrugged as if to say she didn’t really care if he seemed to be pissed off with her. She followed the Blue leader as he stormed out of the base to rally up his soldiers. “It’s not like you can handle the situation when Wyoming
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These are the pieces that I have produced for various things. Some of them are fanfiction while others are original works. Most of my work consists of writing stories and poems. I have a few drawings existing.

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Why do every man on this planet hate virgins? Honest to God, I think that every man hates me and doesn't see me as something special or worthwhile. I mean, should I become a lesbian? Because I'm having no success with men at all. 

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Activity


Familiar sights;
Ah, I'm truly home at last!
But how to settle?
Home At Long Last
This is a poem for February 1st in celebration of National Haiku Writing Month 2017

I haven't been active on here at all for the past few months due to real life - let's just say unexpected and good things have happened and I feel that my life is starting to become interesting for me in so many ways. I just hope this year I'm able to get into the habit of writing because I have missed being creative and whatnot :)
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I Lost Someone REALLY Special...

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 18, 2016, 12:26 PM
  • Listening to: Babooskha - Kate Bush
  • Reading: A Storm of Swords - George R.R Martin
  • Watching: Game of Thrones Season 2.
  • Playing: Halo 3.
  • Eating: Nothing.
  • Drinking: Tea.
Unfortunately not only have I lost a lover today, but I also lost a really close and awesome male best friend today. This time it was neither one of our fault - it's just one of those shitty situations in life you have absolutely no control over I guess. But having said that, it doesn't mean that it does not hurt because in some way it does. It hurts so much when you lose someone that was so damn special to you in so many ways for so many reasons.

I think as  most of you know by now I was seeing an older man for a past few months, a 'relationship' that I kept a secret from my parents. Why? Because of the 28 year age between us. You guys know what my parents are like as in my last journal that I made I clearly said that my mum and dad would never approve of me romantically seeing someone much older than me. They claim they're trying to be protective of me because according to them I am naive when it comes to men and in a way I lack experience in real life relationships. All I've had in the past was these lackluster and rather stagnant online relationships with men and only one of them developed into an actual offline relationship.

And you know something? If my parents found out what I've been up to with this man, especially when I have been intimate with him (not full sex btw), they would fucking hit the roof. My parents, especially my mum, are too fashioned in their beliefs in me dating someone close to my age. Hell, last year I had a crush on a 42 year old bloke I made the mistake in telling my mum all about it and all she did was bitch about that it's all wrong. True, it was a bit unfortunate as the man had a girlfriend at the time, but nonetheless her verdict is it's okay being friends with an older man but strictly no relationships with them. I put it down to the fact she's tying to bring me up the same way she had been brought up when she was younger. So yeah, you can say it's old fashioned and traditional in a way.

She even says that if a male friend invited me back to their place then I should decline, simply because in case he attempts anything sexual. How bloody backwards is that, right? And another thing that infuriated me is last month I was a bit late in starting my time of the month. I knew it didn't mean pregnancy in my case and sometimes it's late for various reasons. But you want to know what my mum said? She said, and I quote, "The only time you should be worried about your periods being late is if you have done something you shouldn't be doing."

I didn't make a remark about what she said, but deep down I was seething with silent fury. I thought it was wrong of her to refer to sex (or anything sexually related) to "something I shouldn't be doing" when a) I am 29 years of age, which means I am WAY over the age of consent to have sex in this country and b) I'm not promiscuous nor do I sleep around or engage in one night stands. Call me crazy or whatever, but I heavily suspect that mum is strongly against the idea of me having sex when that time comes. What. does she expect me to remain a virgin all my life and deny any sexual urges/feelings I might have for someone? Up until a few months I've experienced the true meaning of intimacy with a man and I've also learned that there's more to intimacy than just sex. I've came close losing my virginity as well.

Oh, and not surprisingly my mum was furious when I said to her I'm thinking of going on the pill a few weeks ago and she made it so difficult to talk to her that I didn't press it any further. I could tell she wasn't happy when I told her I got my prescription, however I knew if I were to confront her about her displeasure then we would have an argument about it. According to mum I have no reason to go on the pill because 1) I'm not sexually active and 2) there's nothing wrong with my periods. Mum told me that the timing is strange due to the fact I'm going out more and socialising more, especially with Andy (the guy who I was seeing). I couldn't tell my parents the truth that I was seeing him more than a friend when being questioned by them. Mum made it very clear to me if she found out there's anything going on between him and I, then I am out of the house and I have to find somewhere else to live. My dad just stays out of the conversations - all he said about the pill business is instead of me telling them I could have done it on my own and discreetly take it without them knowing.

Problem is if I kept the pill a secret there would be a chance of mum finding them when I'm still living with my family. When I went to see the nurse I talked about it and she suggested the idea of telling my mum I have bad periods. I just told her it wouldn't work whatsoever, so she said I should tell my mum that I'm going on the pill to prepare myself for when I do meet someone special. Any said more or the less same thing basically. He thought it was daft of mum to be scared of what I will do when it comes to the pill and that instead of treating me like a child she should encourage me because I'm taking care of myself sexually. Andy as well as the female doctor and nurse told me that I can't rely only on condoms because they split sometimes and that it's to use two forms of protection when it comes to sex (the condom and the pill).

But mum thinks otherwise. She says it's not like I'm in a relationship with someone at the moment and the only time I should be thinking of taking the pill is when I'm in a stable and loving relationship with a man. That's fair enough, I admit. But what if I do meet a man who I have a real connection with and we decide to be intimate with each other? What then? What if mum reacts the same way no matter if she "approves" of him? One day I was feeling disheartened and I admitted to dad that I'm convinced that mum is heavily against the  idea of me having sex in the future. He just says that it's up to me to do things in life and I have to make my own decisions because they're not going to be around forever. Also dad kinda understood the fact I don't want to remain a virgin all my life.

I've had 29 years of it already and believe me, nothing good comes out of being a virgin for too long due to sexual frustrations and the feeling you are missing out when everyone around you is having sex and/or have had sex already. I feel at times that I'm the only 29 year old virgin in this day and age. I used to be proud of being a virgin in my late teens/early 20s, but now not anymore. It gets harder for me in this day and age our culture and media is so sex oriented. Plus the fact, when a woman gets older her fertility levels starts to decrease - because I want children someday I feel that I'm running out of time and that depresses me. Men, on the other hand, are lucky as they don't have a limited amount of time - at any age they can still father a child.

Anyway back to Andy...you see, we were meant to spend the entire weekend together due to his landlady visiting her sister until Monday. Earlier on today I was meant to come down to him for 1pm and he would meet me at the bus stop (like he usually does) and we would go back to his place. We were both looking forward to it because the last time I spent the night over at his house was back in September. This weekend was meant to be romantic and everything I could ever hope for until it all went up in flames. You see, I told my parents I was spending the weekend at a female friend's house to cover up the fact I was spending it with Andy.

And then when I was getting ready to go out this morning mum and I had a strange conversation and it certainly put the fear of God into me. It went like this:

Mum: Before you go out, I just want to say something. I hope you're really spending the weekend with Karol and not with Andy.  I hope you're telling the truth.
Me: I'm telling the truth, mum.
Mum: I hope you are because alarm bells are going off in my mind since you mentioned going on the pill a few weeks ago. Your father and I are not stupid, Kayley. You know my feelings about older blokes and that it's alright being friends with them.
Me: I know.
Mum: I will find out. If I do find you're telling lies then you're out of the door.

After hearing that, I didn't know what to do. It felt like as I was standing at a crossroads - do I dare go spend the weekend with Andy knowing that if they were to find out I'll be out of the house, or do I just  back out of it and not risk anything? Nonetheless I was very uncomfortable and so full of guilt and uncertainty that my chest felt kinda tight. I was half tempted to text Karol and tell her if my mum happened to message her on Facebook to ask if I was there just tell her that I am. To be honest I didn't know what to do and before mum left for work she said "I hope you enjoy yourself and have fun. Remember to stay in contact." Now I took what she said as some form of a guilt trip, so I buckled under the pressure. I decided to speak to Andy about my fears and concerns because I was at a loss of what to do.

This was our chat:

Me: Babe, before mum left for work she said something strange. She said "Before you go I hope you are spending the weekend with Karol and not that Andy. Because alarm bells are ringing in my mind all because you mentioned about the pill a few weeks ago."

Andy: OK babe, so you aren’t coming over then?

Me: And then she said "I will find out one way or another. And if you're lying then you're out of the door because you know my feelings"

Andy: Well babe, then it’s better to end things now than drag it out.

Me: I'm sorry about this.

Andy: No problem, thought that it was too good to last, anyway all the best and look after yourself.

Me: We still will be friends, yes?

Andy: Kayley, better to stop completely. It is no use pretending that I wasn’t a support to help you become more independent, and in many ways you have achieved that goal. So best end it cleanly.

Me: I
know you have helped me. And I appreciate that.

Andy: Anyway, as I said, good luck.

Me: Are you okay?

Andy: Yeah. If your mum wonders why i have defriended her, tell her you told me about what she said and I felt insulted by it. It takes the pressure off you to make something up

Me: I just dislike them at times.

Andy: Well, you will get over that, they are your parents and you must stick with them. Anyway, goodbye dear, and good luck.

Me: You're not angry with me?

Andy: No, don’t think that. Just get on with your life and have fun

Me: It's because I don't want you being angry for something I have no control over.

Andy: No worries.

Me: I'm really sorry about this.

It took me a few seconds to realise that he defriended me (as well as my mum) on Facebook as I checked his page a few seconds afterwards. Not to mention I wouldn't be surprised if he has blocked/deleted my phone number too. But in spite of what happen, after losing him as a best friend/lover, I place no blame on him. I can never hate him because up until this point he has been nothing but supportive and kind/loving to me. He's the first man I've opened up to with a space of four years and I learned to trust him. Even when we were first getting to know one another before he kissed me first I told him of my past relationships and issues/concerns/worries and stuff like that and he never judged me at all.

Both Andy and I loved each other in our own little way despite the odds we faced. It really sucked that it couldn't be a real long term relationship due to so many conditions including us both knowing my parents would hit the roof if they were to find out about us.You see, age meant nothing to him because when he was growing up he dated women a lot older than him. There were times in which we felt guilty in our ways - I felt guilty due to my mum and dad and he felt guilty because he was scared that he might have been taking advantage of me and stuff like that. He never wanted to see me hurt, he wanted to protect me because of my past experiences with men/trust issues. At times he felt like ending the 'relationship' because he thought I would be better off with a man my age so I can experience love/sex. I said to him a few times it's up to me to decide who I love and that I loved him.

It's slightly disappointing because I did want to lose my virginity to him and he hoped he could be my first as well. But as to the reason why we didn't have sex is a little complicated even though we came pretty damn close to it  more than once. He's the first man who I've felt comfortable around in real life to be intimate with and he has helped me with my confidence and in some parts of life too. He said if I didn't lose it to him, then it will happen with someone else so there's no problem there according to him.

Then again even though I've gained some experience with him, I still feel insecure about men my age. You see, older men find it a turn on if a girl is a virgin and is more than happy to show patience and guide her through her first sexual experience. But as for the majority of guys my age (or if they're slightly older or younger than me) I fear they are downright cruel. I am quite paranoid and a little bit distrustful that most, if not all, men my age DO NOT want a virgin at the age of 29 in their bed. They see that as a big fat warning sign and they don't want anything to do with her at all. I suspect that men are looking for more sexually experienced women instead of virgins - that's kinda why ever since Nick I haven't got involved with a man because I'm so scared that he will judge me for who I am (or for the many things I am not) and then reject me.

When I was with Andy I brought up this point a few times and he told me that I will find someone who will be more than happy with my lack of experience. I admit I have had plenty of first time experiences with Andy, in which I will look back on and have fond memories of. I'm just sad that it came to an end even though we both know our time was limited with one another. Maybe I was in the wrong to have let what mum said got to me this morning, but I'm only human.

If (and it's a LARGE if) I'm ever fortunate to find a guy who's closer to my age I have to be very careful what I say to my mum because it's a mistake to confide in her. No doubt she will end up ruining it for me yet again...Hell, maybe I should remain single for the rest of my life because let's face it, none of my relationships in the past has worked out for me and I find myself closing my heart so that I won't end up getting hurt. I know full well it's protecting myself for all the "wrong" reasons, but what else can I do, huh? I guess love isn't for me at all...


I Think I'm A Failure Sexual Wise...

Journal Entry: Wed Sep 28, 2016, 12:33 PM
  • Listening to: Psycho - System of a Down.
  • Reading: Thorn's Challenge - Brenda Jackson.
  • Watching: Red vs Blue Season 14.
  • Playing: Halo 4 Spartan Ops
  • Eating: Sweets.
  • Drinking: Tea.
Yeah, I apologise if this journal may offend (or something like this) as I'll be revealing some intimate details. But for those who have had sex before (and I'm looking at women here when I say this - if you're a man, then you can offer your two cents or something like that), maybe you can help me because I desperately need some advice. And we're all adults here, so I just want a mature and proper conversation, alright?

I really thought having sex and losing your virginity is such an easy thing to accomplish - for many years I've believed this and that's why as someone who's sexually inexperienced I was secretly jealous when I hear stories of other people having sex. But today all those beliefs shattered apart and right now I'm beginning to question myself.

Well, today I attempted to have sex for the first time with a man who I deeply care for and in turn he feels the same way for me. I know that he loves me in his own way and he tells me how special I am to him. More than once he has told me he has feelings for me and sometimes we have told one another we loved each other. Only problem is we can never be a proper couple and he can never give me a proper relationship. Why? Well, because there is quite an age gap between us (a big one) and we both know that my parents wouldn't approve of it. In fact they would freak out big time. My parents are too old fashoned - hell, how about last year when I had a crush on the 42 year old bloke? My mum hit the fucking roof because she was against the whole idea. Yes, they want me to find a decent man but he can't be too old for me at all. Then again most of my boyfriends had been more or less the same age as me, but this time it's different. At times I wish the guy was around my age, but then again welcome to the world of reality in which things like that are out of my control.

We've known each other for almost three months and we've been 'seeing' each other for the past few weeks. It feels like I have known him longer and I found myself trusting him with personal things. I've told him of my online romances, especially Nick, and many other things. And when I told him that I'm a virgin he didn't react with horror or disgust. Sure, he was amazed and a little surprised but overall he was very understanding about it and my virginity was a big turn on to him. The bright side is I've realised that it's okay to be a virgin and that it won't bother most men - I was wrong to believe that all men wanted sexually experienced women and that all of them hated virgins. He. of course, isn't a virgin at all but he hasn't been with a virgin woman at all. I just didn't expect us having deep feelings for one another and I consider him to be one of my best friends.

I wanted him to be my first lover and we have talked about having sex due to the fact for the past week and a half we have been sexually intimate with one another. I finally know what it's like to be intimate with a man and it's something that I immensely enjoy - and because I controlled the pace and took it at stages I've became more sexually confident while learning how to give and receive pleasure. And a few hours ago I attempted to have sex for the first time, however when he tried to enter me (don't worry, he was wearing a condom because we discussed it a few days ago) we had a bit of a problem. Nope, it didn't have anything to do with his size because he's a bit on the short side (which is something I don't mind at all) - it's because apparently down there I am small and tight. And believe me, it's not something that I'm proud of. It just makes me feel that as a woman I fail sexually. Not so long ago I burst into tears because of it.

I don't think I've been stretched down there sadly. He can put one finger in with no difficulty or pain on my part, but not two because I tense up and the guy is afraid of hurting me. He doesn't want to see me in pain whatsoever - he just wants to pleasure me. There's not most men who takes the woman's feelings into consideration at all, and that's why I like him so much. He's always been gentle with me and he compliments me as well as reassures me. There have been a few times during foreplay that he feels himself getting overly excited and he wants to take me. However he reels himself back in because he fears that I might hate him as a result or that I'll be crying with pain.

So when we found out we couldn't do the deed he said that we can try again later on, so he focused on my pleasure. But when he tried to add a second finger in he found me tense and then he said if we were to have sex then I'd be hurting. When he told me that I was disappointed, but then again we had fun other ways. Afterwards he could tell there was something off about me and he tried to get me to talk to him because he thought he must have said/done something to have upset me. In the end I told him the truth - I just said to him I hate being tight down there and how I wish I was loose (no, not sexually loose in terms of a sheer amount of sexual partners if that's what you're thinking). His reaction was to hug me tight to him while kissing me, constantly reassuring me that it shouldn't upset me and that it eventually will happen. He then said if it won't happen with him, then it will happen with some other guy.

And yet, I'm at home and I still feel upset. I just find it honestly pathetic that a penis let alone two fingers cannot seem to enter me. I'm not stupid - I am fully aware that when a woman has sex for the first time it will hurt and she will experience a bit of pain due to how tight she is. It's so much different for a man when he loses his virginity because he's not the one being penetrated - well, unless he's attracted to the same sex then that's a different story. And before any of you suggest anal sex that's not my cup of tea at all. I'm really not into anal sex for various reasons and he's not into it either.

For you women who have had sex before, just tell me if I'm doing something wrong here. I mean, is there something sexually wrong with me? Because at the moment I'm getting all tensed up and the more I get upset/doubtful the more blame I'm putting on myself. Am I sexually frigid? Is that what it is? :( Was it easy for you women to lose your virginity? Did you go through some issues like I am at the moment? Because I just don't want what to do. I don't know how to solve it or make it better for myself. You have no idea how disheartened I am all because apparently I can't have sex at the fucking age of 28. That's not normal at all...

At this point in time I'm just scared that whenever I do try to have sex with a man the same thing might constantly happen. And what's more is eventually I want to have children of my own someday. How the fuck can that happen? And please don't say IVF or artificial insemination because I don't want that - I want to conceive naturally. And what happens if I want to get married to a man who I love so much? I don't want a marriage that is sexless because that's unnatural. I know sex is not the be all and the end of in any relationship, however the fact remains is I don't want to be a virgin all my life. I do want to have sex. I never thought I would reach third base with a man (oral sex/manual stimulation) and I'm surprised that I enjoy it so much.

I slightly curse myself for being my sexual inexperience. Most girls my age have done plenty of things and have had sex with more than one man. Now I kinda know how sexual frustration feels like - not a very nice place to be in at all. To be honest (and I apologise for being so crude here) I'm not used to vigorous fingering - not from a man or myself surprisingly. I haven't experimented with any sexual toys. I mean, I have been into Anne Summers more than once and checked out the toys there. But I don't know if it's just me personally, but when I look at vibrators (even the rampart rabbit one) their size intimidates me. I just look at them and think how the fuck can something that big fit inside me without getting damaged in the process. I don't know if it's because I'm a virgin but that's the way I think. Having said that, I know that for first time users/novices bullets and wands are usually recommended.

I just hope to God there's nothing wrong with me sexually. I just don't know what to do. It's the first time I've experienced something like this in my life, so a little advice and guidance is more than welcome. I never knew how hard sex can be - how foolish of me...

I Can Never Catch A Break...

Journal Entry: Sat Sep 10, 2016, 6:26 PM
  • Listening to: I'm A Slave 4 U - Britney Spears.
  • Reading: Love Me, Marietta - Jennifer Wilde.
  • Watching: Red vs Blue Season 14.
  • Playing: Halo 4 Spartan Ops
  • Eating: Nothing.
  • Drinking: Nothing.
I think I need to take this moment to vent because I've got a lot of things on my mind. Let's just say I've been through enough these past couple of days and I had to stand up for myself/be brutal to people because they haven't been treating me right.

I think it's best if I should change my phone number tomorrow. Why? It's because these two Albanian men are harassing me and to be quite frank I'm in a mixture of shock/slightly afraid and being pissed off. Don't worry, I'm not in any kind of physical danger if that's what you're wondering. I'm safe. But at this moment in time I'm trying to distract myself so I can calm myself down. And I really need to get my feelings from my chest.

So let's start from the beginning. Last Saturday Karol (a close female friend of mine who I've known for the past two months) and I were hanging out in the park. She said that one of her male friends will be turning up and she asked if I was okay with it. I accepted because she said he will only hang out with us for like half an hour. Anyway before he arrived Karol told me they have been speaking online for the past year or so and this will be the first time in him and her meeting each other in real life. And before you think that she met him on an actual website, that's not the case. She said that one of her friends known this guy and they gave the phone number to Karol. Another thing she told me is he's Albanian and he works as a construction worker, so he's been in the UK for the past few few years. She also assured me that she has no romantic feelings towards him as she's interested in someone else.

Mevlan (that his name) came along and he seemed okay. Yes, I was a little shy around him as I get like that when I met new people. But I made the effort to be friendly and talk to him. Karol did speak with him and all that, but she wasn't in a talkative mood as she had a lot of things going on beforehand - she had problems with her no good ex. But I can tell she wasn't interested in Mevlan romantically and all that. So before he went him and I swapped numbers and he told me he has a male friend called Diny (who's also Albanian and who works with him). So he suggested that the next weekend all four of us should meet again in the park for like a double date. Also Mevlan told me he will pass my phone number onto Diny so we can get to know one another.

On Sunday (the next day) I spoke to Diny (as well as Mevlan) and Diny seemed alright. Bearing in mind, Karol warned me in advance not to speak about personal stuff and be mindful because I don't really know them and she doesn't know them too well either. That's rather understandable because I know she cares about me and I do trust her to watch my back like I watch hers. So yeah, I spoke with Diny on WhatsApp and he seemed okay. He asked me if I was single (to which I said yes) and he was single too. I didn't really disclose any deep information about my past relationships, but I did say I had a crush on someone last month but it didn't work out in the end. He just said that he wanted to take me out to Central London along with other sweet things. But after my crush on that idiot Adam (the dom from Devon) I've became more careful and not be swayed so easily by what a man says.

Everything was going okay until Tuesday. You see, for the most part of the day I had lunch with Andy and by the time I came home I was exhausted and I wanted to chill out with my mum before doing my own thing for the rest of the evening. And because I didn't answer Diny's messages on WhatsApp Mevlan got in touch. He said to me that Diny was upset that I wasn't talking to him and apparently I was ignoring him. At the time I thought nothing of it, but it did strike a nerve with me.

I consider myself to be an introverted person, as most of you probably realise by now, so that means I take some time to warm up to people who I don't know. I mean, sure, I have kinda learned to enjoy socialising with people in real life and not let my social anxiety get the better of me, but I do like to do my own thing and spend time on my own. Now with an introverted person they have a rich inner life and in no way are they anti-social or anything like that. It's just say that they can be social with friends/other people however afterwards they can feel themselves a little drained and of course they want to recharge their batteries by doing their own thing. Needless to say I'm no different - that's why I take time in answering comments and/or getting back to people.

But I find that one of the things I can't stand personally is when I don't answer straight away some people get the wrong impression and they automatically think that I'm ignoring them when in all honesty I'm not. I didn't feel the need to explain to them that I'm an introvert and all that because their understanding of English isn't all that advanced. So I just told them both that I've been busy with things and I assured them I wasn't ignoring anyone and whatnot. Plus the fact I don't really know them so I'm more inclined to speak to those who I do know and have a good friendship with.

I have to admit something though something did happen that struck alarm bells with me. Now out of the blue Mevlan remarked how strong I have been without a man for the past four years and how it must be difficult. He then basically delved into personal stuff like "Do you feel hot and horny? I bet you do. Years without sex is not good."  Now if you have known someone for three days and if they started speaking about sexual concerns/your private life, that's totally unacceptable. That's a real turn off in my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I do talk about sex from time to time and I have nothing against the subject. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it, especially my personal business, with someone who I barely know. With my girl friends we do have discussions about sex and men and we have a laugh about it. But I think with the opposite sex you have to be mindful if you talk about sex with them. And as a girl, I have to be careful because you do get some guys who might get the wrong impression and who won't take no for an answer.

So when he was saying that, I thought to myself "Fuck this shit. I'm out!" and I made out that I was heading off to get some sleep. Thankfully he got the message and he let me go. But after that conversation I couldn't help but to be a bit suspicious. If he was like that, then how the hell do I know if his friend, Diny, is the same? I know it may sound over the top but I value my safety. For a few days afterwards both lads tried to message me on WhatsApp but I wasn't taking any notice and plus the fact on Thursday I was going through a very hard time (very long story) and I didn't feel like speaking to anyone.

Things got really bad last night (Friday). Because I was on Whatsapp minding my own business and speaking to Karol (as it was pretty urgent as I had to find out the plans for the double date and me telling her the problems I've went through), both boys wouldn't stop pestering me at all. And the more they kept on messaging me when I was trying to speak to Karol, the more wound up I was getting.

This was my conversation with Diny:

D: Hey. How are you?
D: Where have you been?
D: I want to come to meet tomorrow.
D: Speak to me please.
Me: I'm kinda busy right now and I have to speak to my friend about the plans for tomorrow.
D: Ok.
D: Where is Kayley? Tell her to write to me please.

So when I read that I done a mental face palm. I'm sorry, I know he doesn't grasp the English language very well but oh dear Lord, he must be that stupid not to have realise that it was ME, Kayley, speaking to him when I was explaining that I was busy. I didn't bother answering him because knowing me, I would make a slightly sarcastic comment to him. So in the end I bit my tongue to spite myself in order to avoid a misunderstanding.

Now, on the other hand with the other bloke (Mevlan), he was so fucking rude to me and I wasn't certainly standing for it. This is the chat between him and I:

M: What are you doing?
M: You alright lol
M: Where have you been lol
M: You alright there?
M: Are you ignoring me or what lol
Me: I'm chatting to Karol because I'm going through a hard time right now and I need her advice. That's why I haven't been talkative these past few days. So no, please don't assume  I'm ignoring you.
M: You ignore me.
Me (by this time I was pissed off): I think you should re-read the last sentence as I did say I wasn't ignoring you.
M: I respect you, you should respect me back when I ask how are you.

I think you can imagine how pissed off I was in terms of these two idiots. I was more disgusted with what Mevlan said to me because that was uncalled for. You can see that I tried to explain things to him in a clear manner but still he acted like a right douchebag about it. I kid you not, but when I shown my parents the messages they were disgusted. Mum told me I should let no man talk to me that way because I'm far more better and that I should put him in his place/stand my ground. Dad said, "How dare he speak to you like that? He doesn't know the meaning of respect and the bastard certainly don't know how to respect women!" To be perfectly honest, my parents are right in what they say. Even I told Andy what happened and he said this: "That guy should be told that respect has to be earned, and not simply expected because he has a penis!" You certainly can't argue with that logic, can you?

So in the end I reached my limits and blocked both Mevlan and Diny on my WhatsApp, thinking it would be a good idea to take a break from them for a few days before eventually unblocking them. Anyway today (Saturday) was the whole double date thing, but Karol texted me this morning. She said that we have to reschedule for another time because of issues she's going through involving her family - I won't say exactly what as it's not my business to tell, but I assured her that it was fine and not to worry because I understand. She seemed to have cheered up after me saying that. I did ask her if she has let Mevlan know of the double date not happening today to which she said she did.

I was under the impression that everything was fine and dandy. Oh, how I thought wrong...A few hours aho Diny texted me and because of how badly written it was I had to read it a few times because it confused the hell out of me. Anyway this is what he put (and I'm writing it in all its originality):

"Hello Kayley. I thought you are a good girl but you do not please even less to me is anyway it does not matter and I like fell in love with you but it seems that I fell in love taken with you I really wanted to meet because to know each other but you hurt me do not even know where is the problem do not know what made you do not speak at all only have wanted to know why. Thanks also hope to understand each for up to here."

Seriously, how the hell am I meant to translate and understand that text when it simply doesn't make any sense whatsoever? It's kinda like trying to decipher an ancient code if you know what I mean. So in my state of confusion I immediately shown my mum and dad the message and they could barely understand him at all.  Dad suggested that I shouldn't respond back because in his eyes that text doesn't even warrant a response back. So half an hour later Diny phoned me in front of my family and I rejected his phone call. I also blocked his number because I felt that I was being harassed.

However these are some of the things that I want to point out:

1. How the fuck can you fall in love with someone you HAVE NOT met within a few days of speaking to each other through messages on WhatsApp? :stare: I'm sorry, but I find the concept to be laughable! From my understanding you have to develop a good friendship with a person over a period of time before you begin to fall for them. That's what happened with me and my ex boyfriends - I was friends with them for a long period of time before getting romantically involved with them. I'm not a believer of love at first sight because to me that is lust/sexual attraction instead of real love.

Even my parents agreed with me when I pointed it out to me. They believe because he's Albanian he might be looking to get married to an English girl just so that he can get visa in this country. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think this might be the case. When we got talking, my parents did say that in some cultures (not all) men think they are superior and they treat women like second class citizens.  That's why they're kinda against me and my brother dating someone from a different culture/nationality because they don't want us (especially me) to be treated like dogs and be physically abused.

I found out from my dad that Albanian men don't treat women with respect due to the fact of Albania's main religion is Muslim. And I remember Mevlan saying he was Muslim because I offered him a sausage roll and he explained to me he doesn't eat pork. Now one of my family members married a Muslim and she changed for the worse. He was controlling over her, she changed her identity and clothing just to fit in with his religion and he treated her like utter shit. You hear a lot of terrible things about Muslims in the media because of how brainwashed they are - they think the Western world is evil and that's why most of them commits acts of terrorism against innocent people and they take pleasure in the act of killing in the name of their so-called God.

2. How is it my fault that I didn't meet him today when Karol had to cancel the plans? And why the hell did he had the damn cheek to say that I hurt him? I'm sorry, but that's a load of bullshit! I'm not taking responsibility for something that I haven't even done. It just shows how stupid he is if he thinks it's my doing and for him to try and guilt trip me is bloody unacceptable.

3.  I've explained to him on more than one occasion why I haven't been speaking to him or his dimwitted friend. And still he doesn't grasp a word that I've said to him - honestly, it's like I'm speaking to a brick wall...I don't have to explain to him. I am my own boss and I belong to no one. I certainly don't jump to anyone's command because I am a human being, not some kind of fucking object. I've had a terrible couple of days because for a long time one of my friends tried hooking me up with a 51 year old man (who is WAY too old for me in the first place) and because of her pushing my buttons until the point of no return I told her what I truly thought of her before cutting ties with her. I cut ties with the 51 year old as well because he kept on pestering me and my God, he was a major pain in my arse as he was far too persistent.

So yeah, my parents told me it's best to change my phone number tomorrow. I've sent Karol a message on Facebook saying that I'm being harassed by those arseholes and I don't feel comfortable meeting up with them - I'm fine hanging around her, but I don't want to see the boys ever. I just hope she will understand me and respect my wishes.


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British-Prophetess
Kay
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United Kingdom
British Prophetess by HalfInane-HalfMental

Hi everyone!

My name is Kayley, but most call me Kay for short. I'm 28 years old and I hail from this town called Dagenham in England. I'm proud to be half Irish as I'm a descendent from the well-known Mulvihill clan back in Ireland.

My birthday is 3rd November. I share a birthday with one of my favourite video games character, Seong Mina from the Soul Calibur series. My Western horoscope is Scorpio and my Eastern horoscope is a rabbit.

:bulletred: :bulletblue: Proud owner of my 1st Red vs Blue group: :iconprojectbloodgulch: :bulletred: :bulletblue:


book love stamp by Eirene86 scorpio STAMP by peterdzign Llama Collector by ClefairyKid Thank You... by jennyleigh Realise Those Who Are More Important by British-Prophetess Why Am I Slow? by British-Prophetess New Way Of Saying Being Single by British-Prophetess

Interests

I Lost Someone REALLY Special...

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 18, 2016, 12:26 PM
  • Listening to: Babooskha - Kate Bush
  • Reading: A Storm of Swords - George R.R Martin
  • Watching: Game of Thrones Season 2.
  • Playing: Halo 3.
  • Eating: Nothing.
  • Drinking: Tea.
Unfortunately not only have I lost a lover today, but I also lost a really close and awesome male best friend today. This time it was neither one of our fault - it's just one of those shitty situations in life you have absolutely no control over I guess. But having said that, it doesn't mean that it does not hurt because in some way it does. It hurts so much when you lose someone that was so damn special to you in so many ways for so many reasons.

I think as  most of you know by now I was seeing an older man for a past few months, a 'relationship' that I kept a secret from my parents. Why? Because of the 28 year age between us. You guys know what my parents are like as in my last journal that I made I clearly said that my mum and dad would never approve of me romantically seeing someone much older than me. They claim they're trying to be protective of me because according to them I am naive when it comes to men and in a way I lack experience in real life relationships. All I've had in the past was these lackluster and rather stagnant online relationships with men and only one of them developed into an actual offline relationship.

And you know something? If my parents found out what I've been up to with this man, especially when I have been intimate with him (not full sex btw), they would fucking hit the roof. My parents, especially my mum, are too fashioned in their beliefs in me dating someone close to my age. Hell, last year I had a crush on a 42 year old bloke I made the mistake in telling my mum all about it and all she did was bitch about that it's all wrong. True, it was a bit unfortunate as the man had a girlfriend at the time, but nonetheless her verdict is it's okay being friends with an older man but strictly no relationships with them. I put it down to the fact she's tying to bring me up the same way she had been brought up when she was younger. So yeah, you can say it's old fashioned and traditional in a way.

She even says that if a male friend invited me back to their place then I should decline, simply because in case he attempts anything sexual. How bloody backwards is that, right? And another thing that infuriated me is last month I was a bit late in starting my time of the month. I knew it didn't mean pregnancy in my case and sometimes it's late for various reasons. But you want to know what my mum said? She said, and I quote, "The only time you should be worried about your periods being late is if you have done something you shouldn't be doing."

I didn't make a remark about what she said, but deep down I was seething with silent fury. I thought it was wrong of her to refer to sex (or anything sexually related) to "something I shouldn't be doing" when a) I am 29 years of age, which means I am WAY over the age of consent to have sex in this country and b) I'm not promiscuous nor do I sleep around or engage in one night stands. Call me crazy or whatever, but I heavily suspect that mum is strongly against the idea of me having sex when that time comes. What. does she expect me to remain a virgin all my life and deny any sexual urges/feelings I might have for someone? Up until a few months I've experienced the true meaning of intimacy with a man and I've also learned that there's more to intimacy than just sex. I've came close losing my virginity as well.

Oh, and not surprisingly my mum was furious when I said to her I'm thinking of going on the pill a few weeks ago and she made it so difficult to talk to her that I didn't press it any further. I could tell she wasn't happy when I told her I got my prescription, however I knew if I were to confront her about her displeasure then we would have an argument about it. According to mum I have no reason to go on the pill because 1) I'm not sexually active and 2) there's nothing wrong with my periods. Mum told me that the timing is strange due to the fact I'm going out more and socialising more, especially with Andy (the guy who I was seeing). I couldn't tell my parents the truth that I was seeing him more than a friend when being questioned by them. Mum made it very clear to me if she found out there's anything going on between him and I, then I am out of the house and I have to find somewhere else to live. My dad just stays out of the conversations - all he said about the pill business is instead of me telling them I could have done it on my own and discreetly take it without them knowing.

Problem is if I kept the pill a secret there would be a chance of mum finding them when I'm still living with my family. When I went to see the nurse I talked about it and she suggested the idea of telling my mum I have bad periods. I just told her it wouldn't work whatsoever, so she said I should tell my mum that I'm going on the pill to prepare myself for when I do meet someone special. Any said more or the less same thing basically. He thought it was daft of mum to be scared of what I will do when it comes to the pill and that instead of treating me like a child she should encourage me because I'm taking care of myself sexually. Andy as well as the female doctor and nurse told me that I can't rely only on condoms because they split sometimes and that it's to use two forms of protection when it comes to sex (the condom and the pill).

But mum thinks otherwise. She says it's not like I'm in a relationship with someone at the moment and the only time I should be thinking of taking the pill is when I'm in a stable and loving relationship with a man. That's fair enough, I admit. But what if I do meet a man who I have a real connection with and we decide to be intimate with each other? What then? What if mum reacts the same way no matter if she "approves" of him? One day I was feeling disheartened and I admitted to dad that I'm convinced that mum is heavily against the  idea of me having sex in the future. He just says that it's up to me to do things in life and I have to make my own decisions because they're not going to be around forever. Also dad kinda understood the fact I don't want to remain a virgin all my life.

I've had 29 years of it already and believe me, nothing good comes out of being a virgin for too long due to sexual frustrations and the feeling you are missing out when everyone around you is having sex and/or have had sex already. I feel at times that I'm the only 29 year old virgin in this day and age. I used to be proud of being a virgin in my late teens/early 20s, but now not anymore. It gets harder for me in this day and age our culture and media is so sex oriented. Plus the fact, when a woman gets older her fertility levels starts to decrease - because I want children someday I feel that I'm running out of time and that depresses me. Men, on the other hand, are lucky as they don't have a limited amount of time - at any age they can still father a child.

Anyway back to Andy...you see, we were meant to spend the entire weekend together due to his landlady visiting her sister until Monday. Earlier on today I was meant to come down to him for 1pm and he would meet me at the bus stop (like he usually does) and we would go back to his place. We were both looking forward to it because the last time I spent the night over at his house was back in September. This weekend was meant to be romantic and everything I could ever hope for until it all went up in flames. You see, I told my parents I was spending the weekend at a female friend's house to cover up the fact I was spending it with Andy.

And then when I was getting ready to go out this morning mum and I had a strange conversation and it certainly put the fear of God into me. It went like this:

Mum: Before you go out, I just want to say something. I hope you're really spending the weekend with Karol and not with Andy.  I hope you're telling the truth.
Me: I'm telling the truth, mum.
Mum: I hope you are because alarm bells are going off in my mind since you mentioned going on the pill a few weeks ago. Your father and I are not stupid, Kayley. You know my feelings about older blokes and that it's alright being friends with them.
Me: I know.
Mum: I will find out. If I do find you're telling lies then you're out of the door.

After hearing that, I didn't know what to do. It felt like as I was standing at a crossroads - do I dare go spend the weekend with Andy knowing that if they were to find out I'll be out of the house, or do I just  back out of it and not risk anything? Nonetheless I was very uncomfortable and so full of guilt and uncertainty that my chest felt kinda tight. I was half tempted to text Karol and tell her if my mum happened to message her on Facebook to ask if I was there just tell her that I am. To be honest I didn't know what to do and before mum left for work she said "I hope you enjoy yourself and have fun. Remember to stay in contact." Now I took what she said as some form of a guilt trip, so I buckled under the pressure. I decided to speak to Andy about my fears and concerns because I was at a loss of what to do.

This was our chat:

Me: Babe, before mum left for work she said something strange. She said "Before you go I hope you are spending the weekend with Karol and not that Andy. Because alarm bells are ringing in my mind all because you mentioned about the pill a few weeks ago."

Andy: OK babe, so you aren’t coming over then?

Me: And then she said "I will find out one way or another. And if you're lying then you're out of the door because you know my feelings"

Andy: Well babe, then it’s better to end things now than drag it out.

Me: I'm sorry about this.

Andy: No problem, thought that it was too good to last, anyway all the best and look after yourself.

Me: We still will be friends, yes?

Andy: Kayley, better to stop completely. It is no use pretending that I wasn’t a support to help you become more independent, and in many ways you have achieved that goal. So best end it cleanly.

Me: I
know you have helped me. And I appreciate that.

Andy: Anyway, as I said, good luck.

Me: Are you okay?

Andy: Yeah. If your mum wonders why i have defriended her, tell her you told me about what she said and I felt insulted by it. It takes the pressure off you to make something up

Me: I just dislike them at times.

Andy: Well, you will get over that, they are your parents and you must stick with them. Anyway, goodbye dear, and good luck.

Me: You're not angry with me?

Andy: No, don’t think that. Just get on with your life and have fun

Me: It's because I don't want you being angry for something I have no control over.

Andy: No worries.

Me: I'm really sorry about this.

It took me a few seconds to realise that he defriended me (as well as my mum) on Facebook as I checked his page a few seconds afterwards. Not to mention I wouldn't be surprised if he has blocked/deleted my phone number too. But in spite of what happen, after losing him as a best friend/lover, I place no blame on him. I can never hate him because up until this point he has been nothing but supportive and kind/loving to me. He's the first man I've opened up to with a space of four years and I learned to trust him. Even when we were first getting to know one another before he kissed me first I told him of my past relationships and issues/concerns/worries and stuff like that and he never judged me at all.

Both Andy and I loved each other in our own little way despite the odds we faced. It really sucked that it couldn't be a real long term relationship due to so many conditions including us both knowing my parents would hit the roof if they were to find out about us.You see, age meant nothing to him because when he was growing up he dated women a lot older than him. There were times in which we felt guilty in our ways - I felt guilty due to my mum and dad and he felt guilty because he was scared that he might have been taking advantage of me and stuff like that. He never wanted to see me hurt, he wanted to protect me because of my past experiences with men/trust issues. At times he felt like ending the 'relationship' because he thought I would be better off with a man my age so I can experience love/sex. I said to him a few times it's up to me to decide who I love and that I loved him.

It's slightly disappointing because I did want to lose my virginity to him and he hoped he could be my first as well. But as to the reason why we didn't have sex is a little complicated even though we came pretty damn close to it  more than once. He's the first man who I've felt comfortable around in real life to be intimate with and he has helped me with my confidence and in some parts of life too. He said if I didn't lose it to him, then it will happen with someone else so there's no problem there according to him.

Then again even though I've gained some experience with him, I still feel insecure about men my age. You see, older men find it a turn on if a girl is a virgin and is more than happy to show patience and guide her through her first sexual experience. But as for the majority of guys my age (or if they're slightly older or younger than me) I fear they are downright cruel. I am quite paranoid and a little bit distrustful that most, if not all, men my age DO NOT want a virgin at the age of 29 in their bed. They see that as a big fat warning sign and they don't want anything to do with her at all. I suspect that men are looking for more sexually experienced women instead of virgins - that's kinda why ever since Nick I haven't got involved with a man because I'm so scared that he will judge me for who I am (or for the many things I am not) and then reject me.

When I was with Andy I brought up this point a few times and he told me that I will find someone who will be more than happy with my lack of experience. I admit I have had plenty of first time experiences with Andy, in which I will look back on and have fond memories of. I'm just sad that it came to an end even though we both know our time was limited with one another. Maybe I was in the wrong to have let what mum said got to me this morning, but I'm only human.

If (and it's a LARGE if) I'm ever fortunate to find a guy who's closer to my age I have to be very careful what I say to my mum because it's a mistake to confide in her. No doubt she will end up ruining it for me yet again...Hell, maybe I should remain single for the rest of my life because let's face it, none of my relationships in the past has worked out for me and I find myself closing my heart so that I won't end up getting hurt. I know full well it's protecting myself for all the "wrong" reasons, but what else can I do, huh? I guess love isn't for me at all...


REQUEST AND ART TRADE INFORMATION!

Ask About Request Stamp by psychotara Request Are Open Stamp by psychotara Ask About Trades by psychotara Trades Are Open Stamp by psychotara Gifts For Friends Only Stamp by psychotara

Please send me a note or leave a comment on my page if you are interested in asking a request from me or if you want to do an art trade with me.

REQUESTS:

Here are the things I'm willing to do:

:star:Poems.
:star:Drabbles/Ficlets.
:star:One-shots (very short stories)
:star:Red vs Blue fan fiction.

ART TRADES:

As for an art/literature trade I will request a drawing from you and in return I will write a piece of literature of your choice. Another option is that we both write something for one another.

Please DO NOT ask for any kinds of drawing requests because I have no talent when it comes to drawing. I ONLY take literature/writing requests.

Track Progress of Projects For OthersI finally devised a plan to show my progress development of my works. Please bear in mind that this is not for my OWN personal projects such as any works that I do for myself. These are for requests purposes and other things like that.
I will be updating this almost every day. I think this will help me in organisation. Also it will serve as a record for me if you look at it that way.
Week 1: 30/7/12 - 5/8/12
:star: Finished off all the stamps for the 'First 25 comments gets a free stamp request' project.
:star: Finished off all the stamps for the 'First 10 comments gets a free stamp request' project.
:star: Finished off all the stamps for the 'First 12 comments gets a free stamp request' project.
:star: Done 57,000 kiriban prize for :iconXxDOAITBxX: (An acrostic poem of her DA name and also a stamp request.)
:star: Done 48,000 kiriban prize for :iconyumigetsuei: (An acrostic poem of her DA name.)
:star: Done 49,000 kirban prize for :iconMarthnely-chan: (An acrostic poem of her D

BEFORE YOU COMMENT:



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Comments


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:icontheikranrider77:
TheIkranRider77 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
The story for Adrian Mason during the Revolution was interesting; I wish I could write as good as you. BTW, are you still into the SH series?
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:iconstrayqrow:
StrayQrow Featured By Owner May 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Still there?
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:iconabagail-david:
Abagail-David Featured By Owner May 6, 2017  Student General Artist
Thank-you. I can't 100% explain what for, but when I was younger (and you had just started posting poems) I would read every single one, and at some point on my old account I posted a poem and you complimented it. It was such a small thing but it's the only reason I still write poems, so I figured I'd wander on back here and drop a thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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:iconbloodonpaper:
BloodOnPaper Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the watch. It means a lot to me... for this new account anyway :P Well, other than that, hope you've been fine yourself :)
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:iconstere0--h3art:
Stere0--H3art Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy new years, dearie <3

- B. crocker
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