Unfortunately not only have I lost a lover today, but I also lost a really close and awesome male best friend today. This time it was neither one of our fault - it's just one of those shitty situations in life you have absolutely no control over I guess. But having said that, it doesn't mean that it does not hurt because in some way it does. It hurts so much when you lose someone that was so damn special to you in so many ways for so many reasons.
I think as most of you know by now I was seeing an older man for a past few months, a 'relationship' that I kept a secret from my parents. Why? Because of the 28 year age between us. You guys know what my parents are like as in my last journal that I made I clearly said that my mum and dad would never approve of me romantically seeing someone much older than me. They claim they're trying to be protective of me because according to them I am naive when it comes to men and in a way I lack experience in real life relationships. All I've had in the past was these lackluster and rather stagnant online relationships with men and only one of them developed into an actual offline relationship.
And you know something? If my parents found out what I've been up to with this man, especially when I have been intimate with him (not full sex btw), they would fucking hit the roof. My parents, especially my mum, are too fashioned in their beliefs in me dating someone close to my age. Hell, last year I had a crush on a 42 year old bloke I made the mistake in telling my mum all about it and all she did was bitch about that it's all wrong. True, it was a bit unfortunate as the man had a girlfriend at the time, but nonetheless her verdict is it's okay being friends with an older man but strictly no relationships with them. I put it down to the fact she's tying to bring me up the same way she had been brought up when she was younger. So yeah, you can say it's old fashioned and traditional in a way.
She even says that if a male friend invited me back to their place then I should decline, simply because in case he attempts anything sexual. How bloody backwards is that, right? And another thing that infuriated me is last month I was a bit late in starting my time of the month. I knew it didn't mean pregnancy in my case and sometimes it's late for various reasons. But you want to know what my mum said? She said, and I quote, "The only time you should be worried about your periods being late is if you have done something you shouldn't be doing."
I didn't make a remark about what she said, but deep down I was seething with silent fury. I thought it was wrong of her to refer to sex (or anything sexually related) to "something I shouldn't be doing" when a) I am 29 years of age, which means I am WAY over the age of consent to have sex in this country and b) I'm not promiscuous nor do I sleep around or engage in one night stands. Call me crazy or whatever, but I heavily suspect that mum is strongly against the idea of me having sex when that time comes. What. does she expect me to remain a virgin all my life and deny any sexual urges/feelings I might have for someone? Up until a few months I've experienced the true meaning of intimacy with a man and I've also learned that there's more to intimacy than just sex. I've came close losing my virginity as well.
Oh, and not surprisingly my mum was furious when I said to her I'm thinking of going on the pill a few weeks ago and she made it so difficult to talk to her that I didn't press it any further. I could tell she wasn't happy when I told her I got my prescription, however I knew if I were to confront her about her displeasure then we would have an argument about it. According to mum I have no reason to go on the pill because 1) I'm not sexually active and 2) there's nothing wrong with my periods. Mum told me that the timing is strange due to the fact I'm going out more and socialising more, especially with Andy (the guy who I was seeing). I couldn't tell my parents the truth that I was seeing him more than a friend when being questioned by them. Mum made it very clear to me if she found out there's anything going on between him and I, then I am out of the house and I have to find somewhere else to live. My dad just stays out of the conversations - all he said about the pill business is instead of me telling them I could have done it on my own and discreetly take it without them knowing.
Problem is if I kept the pill a secret there would be a chance of mum finding them when I'm still living with my family. When I went to see the nurse I talked about it and she suggested the idea of telling my mum I have bad periods. I just told her it wouldn't work whatsoever, so she said I should tell my mum that I'm going on the pill to prepare myself for when I do meet someone special. Any said more or the less same thing basically. He thought it was daft of mum to be scared of what I will do when it comes to the pill and that instead of treating me like a child she should encourage me because I'm taking care of myself sexually. Andy as well as the female doctor and nurse told me that I can't rely only on condoms because they split sometimes and that it's to use two forms of protection when it comes to sex (the condom and the pill).
But mum thinks otherwise. She says it's not like I'm in a relationship with someone at the moment and the only time I should be thinking of taking the pill is when I'm in a stable and loving relationship with a man. That's fair enough, I admit. But what if I do meet a man who I have a real connection with and we decide to be intimate with each other? What then? What if mum reacts the same way no matter if she "approves" of him? One day I was feeling disheartened and I admitted to dad that I'm convinced that mum is heavily against the idea of me having sex in the future. He just says that it's up to me to do things in life and I have to make my own decisions because they're not going to be around forever. Also dad kinda understood the fact I don't want to remain a virgin all my life.
I've had 29 years of it already and believe me, nothing good comes out of being a virgin for too long due to sexual frustrations and the feeling you are missing out when everyone around you is having sex and/or have had sex already. I feel at times that I'm the only 29 year old virgin in this day and age. I used to be proud of being a virgin in my late teens/early 20s, but now not anymore. It gets harder for me in this day and age our culture and media is so sex oriented. Plus the fact, when a woman gets older her fertility levels starts to decrease - because I want children someday I feel that I'm running out of time and that depresses me. Men, on the other hand, are lucky as they don't have a limited amount of time - at any age they can still father a child.
Anyway back to Andy...you see, we were meant to spend the entire weekend together due to his landlady visiting her sister until Monday. Earlier on today I was meant to come down to him for 1pm and he would meet me at the bus stop (like he usually does) and we would go back to his place. We were both looking forward to it because the last time I spent the night over at his house was back in September. This weekend was meant to be romantic and everything I could ever hope for until it all went up in flames. You see, I told my parents I was spending the weekend at a female friend's house to cover up the fact I was spending it with Andy.
And then when I was getting ready to go out this morning mum and I had a strange conversation and it certainly put the fear of God into me. It went like this:
Mum: Before you go out, I just want to say something. I hope you're really spending the weekend with Karol and not with Andy. I hope you're telling the truth.
Me: I'm telling the truth, mum.
Mum: I hope you are because alarm bells are going off in my mind since you mentioned going on the pill a few weeks ago. Your father and I are not stupid, Kayley. You know my feelings about older blokes and that it's alright being friends with them.
Me: I know.
Mum: I will find out. If I do find you're telling lies then you're out of the door.
After hearing that, I didn't know what to do. It felt like as I was standing at a crossroads - do I dare go spend the weekend with Andy knowing that if they were to find out I'll be out of the house, or do I just back out of it and not risk anything? Nonetheless I was very uncomfortable and so full of guilt and uncertainty that my chest felt kinda tight. I was half tempted to text Karol and tell her if my mum happened to message her on Facebook to ask if I was there just tell her that I am. To be honest I didn't know what to do and before mum left for work she said "I hope you enjoy yourself and have fun. Remember to stay in contact." Now I took what she said as some form of a guilt trip, so I buckled under the pressure. I decided to speak to Andy about my fears and concerns because I was at a loss of what to do.
This was our chat:
Me: Babe, before mum left for work she said something strange. She said "Before you go I hope you are spending the weekend with Karol and not that Andy. Because alarm bells are ringing in my mind all because you mentioned about the pill a few weeks ago."
Andy: OK babe, so you aren’t coming over then?
Me: And then she said "I will find out one way or another. And if you're lying then you're out of the door because you know my feelings"
Andy: Well babe, then it’s better to end things now than drag it out.
Me: I'm sorry about this.
Andy: No problem, thought that it was too good to last, anyway all the best and look after yourself.
Me: We still will be friends, yes?
Andy: Kayley, better to stop completely. It is no use pretending that I wasn’t a support to help you become more independent, and in many ways you have achieved that goal. So best end it cleanly.
Me: I know you have helped me. And I appreciate that.
Andy: Anyway, as I said, good luck.
Me: Are you okay?
Andy: Yeah. If your mum wonders why i have defriended her, tell her you told me about what she said and I felt insulted by it. It takes the pressure off you to make something up
Me: I just dislike them at times.
Andy: Well, you will get over that, they are your parents and you must stick with them. Anyway, goodbye dear, and good luck.
Me: You're not angry with me?
Andy: No, don’t think that. Just get on with your life and have fun
Me: It's because I don't want you being angry for something I have no control over.
Andy: No worries.
Me: I'm really sorry about this.
It took me a few seconds to realise that he defriended me (as well as my mum) on Facebook as I checked his page a few seconds afterwards. Not to mention I wouldn't be surprised if he has blocked/deleted my phone number too. But in spite of what happen, after losing him as a best friend/lover, I place no blame on him. I can never hate him because up until this point he has been nothing but supportive and kind/loving to me. He's the first man I've opened up to with a space of four years and I learned to trust him. Even when we were first getting to know one another before he kissed me first I told him of my past relationships and issues/concerns/worries and stuff like that and he never judged me at all.
Both Andy and I loved each other in our own little way despite the odds we faced. It really sucked that it couldn't be a real long term relationship due to so many conditions including us both knowing my parents would hit the roof if they were to find out about us.You see, age meant nothing to him because when he was growing up he dated women a lot older than him. There were times in which we felt guilty in our ways - I felt guilty due to my mum and dad and he felt guilty because he was scared that he might have been taking advantage of me and stuff like that. He never wanted to see me hurt, he wanted to protect me because of my past experiences with men/trust issues. At times he felt like ending the 'relationship' because he thought I would be better off with a man my age so I can experience love/sex. I said to him a few times it's up to me to decide who I love and that I loved him.
It's slightly disappointing because I did want to lose my virginity to him and he hoped he could be my first as well. But as to the reason why we didn't have sex is a little complicated even though we came pretty damn close to it more than once. He's the first man who I've felt comfortable around in real life to be intimate with and he has helped me with my confidence and in some parts of life too. He said if I didn't lose it to him, then it will happen with someone else so there's no problem there according to him.
Then again even though I've gained some experience with him, I still feel insecure about men my age. You see, older men find it a turn on if a girl is a virgin and is more than happy to show patience and guide her through her first sexual experience. But as for the majority of guys my age (or if they're slightly older or younger than me) I fear they are downright cruel. I am quite paranoid and a little bit distrustful that most, if not all, men my age DO NOT want a virgin at the age of 29 in their bed. They see that as a big fat warning sign and they don't want anything to do with her at all. I suspect that men are looking for more sexually experienced women instead of virgins - that's kinda why ever since Nick I haven't got involved with a man because I'm so scared that he will judge me for who I am (or for the many things I am not) and then reject me.
When I was with Andy I brought up this point a few times and he told me that I will find someone who will be more than happy with my lack of experience. I admit I have had plenty of first time experiences with Andy, in which I will look back on and have fond memories of. I'm just sad that it came to an end even though we both know our time was limited with one another. Maybe I was in the wrong to have let what mum said got to me this morning, but I'm only human.
If (and it's a LARGE if) I'm ever fortunate to find a guy who's closer to my age I have to be very careful what I say to my mum because it's a mistake to confide in her. No doubt she will end up ruining it for me yet again...Hell, maybe I should remain single for the rest of my life because let's face it, none of my relationships in the past has worked out for me and I find myself closing my heart so that I won't end up getting hurt. I know full well it's protecting myself for all the "wrong" reasons, but what else can I do, huh? I guess love isn't for me at all...