Not Proud Of Being A Social Retard

I'm gonna be honest. I have had social anxiety since I became a teenager. I didn't know I suffered from this disorder until late last year/earlier on this year when I undertook some counselling for the first time. But for the past few days I can feel myself literally falling into some deep, dark hole and as a result I'm beginning to passionately resent myself along with my social anxiety. And on top of that, I'm having slight signs of depression and I'm starting to overthink so many things which kinda corresponds with feeling worried/anxious.

Bottom line is I strongly hate having to deal with social anxiety. It just feels like anguished torture. I wouldn't like to wish it on anyone, not even on my worst enemy.

One of the good things I've discovered is that it's not like I have severe social anxiety; thank God mine is mild. I do go out from time to time and I do talk to people as well. Hell, I even went to university and got a degree in English Literature. Some people who have the same disorder as me have dropped out of school/college and all that. I mean, don't get me wrong - I'm happy in a way to know that I have got this disorder, but a part of me wished I could have found out around 5 to 10 years ago. But you could say it's better to be aware of this in my 20s than not knowing for the rest of my life as that would have further impaired me.

Now social anxiety, or any other anxiety disorder for that matter, cannot be cured. It's not like we wake up in the morning and find out that our phobia is completely vanished. That is way out of the question. We just have to find ways of maintaining control over our anxiety and learn various techniques that hopefully might work out for us and then become dedicated to practicing them so we can progress in life.

While it's hard work to keep ourselves in line in order to prove to ourselves (and other people) we are capable of coping well in any social situation, there can be dark times in which we experience the same old worries and fears that we thought we left behind in the past. You see, social anxiety is nothing but a vicious circle (as cliched it may sound) and the more we give into it, the more it feeds our anxiety and the more we come down heavy upon ourselves including our flaws, imperfections and shortcomings.

The thing that kinda annoys me is when people who don't have this disorder actually doesn't understand the extent of what anxiety does to those who suffer from it. It's all good for them to say things like "I know how you feel" and "Don't worry; you're being too hard on yourself for no reason" but do they have to live with this burden? Nope. So what gives them the right to try brush it off as nothing important when they are socially normal? To me it really gives off the impression they are patronising me.

Words can't describe how much I hate being socially inept/awkward and yes, it has affected some areas in my life. I just sometimes feel like I can't cope and that most things seems to be a losing battle. I question if there's something actually wrong with me from time to time because I can't fit in with typical society standards and I have no idea where I belong. I just feel like a social retard due to the fact I struggle with basic things like making friends and having healthy, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex. Others don't seem to have this problem as most people my age (and those who are younger than me) are having sex, getting married, having children and having the best experiences in life. Seriously I'm beginning to feel like a jaded old woman who's way past her expiry date and that I fail as not only a female but also a human being. And yep, I also struggle badly with self confidence/self esteem.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant or anything of the kind but sometimes it's good to be heard. If you have some sort of anxiety, how do you personally cope with it and has it affected your life in any ways? Or do you know someone who is socially anxious? By all means, if you don't suffer from any anxieties feel free to let me know what you think as well.