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First 12 Comments Gets a Haiku Poem!
1 min read
I haven't been on here for ages, I know. But hopefully that might change 
Over the past three years I've been off here, I'm in a much better place and lot of good things happened to me. Anyway without any further ado, let's get on! :D
I'm offering 12 free haiku poems for the first 12 people that comments on this journal entry!
If you want your haiku to be based on a word prompt, then please do let me know in the comments and I'll see what I can do for you If you don' t know what a haiku is, then here is the definition:
"Haiku is an unrhymed, syllabic form adapted from the Japanese: three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables. Because it is so brief, a haiku is necessarily imagistic, concrete and pithy, juxtaposing two images in a very few words to create a single crystalline idea." (Taken from this useful website: poetry.about.com/od/poeticform…)
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I Lost Someone REALLY Special...
16 min read
Unfortunately not only have I lost a lover today, but I also lost a really close and awesome male best friend today. This time it was neither one of our fault - it's just one of those shitty situations in life you have absolutely no control over I guess. But having said that, it doesn't mean that it does not hurt because in some way it does. It hurts so much when you lose someone that was so damn special to you in so many ways for so many reasons.
I think as most of you know by now I was seeing an older man for a past few months, a 'relationship' that I kept a secret from my parents. Why? Because of the 28 year age between us. You guys know what my parents are like as in my last journal that I made I clearly said that my mum and dad would never approve of me romantically seeing someone much older than me. They claim they're trying to be protective of me because according to them I am naive when it comes to men and in a way I lack experience in real life relationships. All I've had in the past was these lackluster and rather stagnant online relationships with men and only one of them developed into an actual offline relationship.
And you know something? If my parents found out what I've been up to with this man, especially when I have been intimate with him (not full sex btw), they would fucking hit the roof. My parents, especially my mum, are too fashioned in their beliefs in me dating someone close to my age. Hell, last year I had a crush on a 42 year old bloke I made the mistake in telling my mum all about it and all she did was bitch about that it's all wrong. True, it was a bit unfortunate as the man had a girlfriend at the time, but nonetheless her verdict is it's okay being friends with an older man but strictly no relationships with them. I put it down to the fact she's tying to bring me up the same way she had been brought up when she was younger. So yeah, you can say it's old fashioned and traditional in a way.
She even says that if a male friend invited me back to their place then I should decline, simply because in case he attempts anything sexual. How bloody backwards is that, right? And another thing that infuriated me is last month I was a bit late in starting my time of the month. I knew it didn't mean pregnancy in my case and sometimes it's late for various reasons. But you want to know what my mum said? She said, and I quote, "The only time you should be worried about your periods being late is if you have done something you shouldn't be doing."
I didn't make a remark about what she said, but deep down I was seething with silent fury. I thought it was wrong of her to refer to sex (or anything sexually related) to "something I shouldn't be doing" when a) I am 29 years of age, which means I am WAY over the age of consent to have sex in this country and b) I'm not promiscuous nor do I sleep around or engage in one night stands. Call me crazy or whatever, but I heavily suspect that mum is strongly against the idea of me having sex when that time comes. What. does she expect me to remain a virgin all my life and deny any sexual urges/feelings I might have for someone? Up until a few months I've experienced the true meaning of intimacy with a man and I've also learned that there's more to intimacy than just sex. I've came close losing my virginity as well.
Oh, and not surprisingly my mum was furious when I said to her I'm thinking of going on the pill a few weeks ago and she made it so difficult to talk to her that I didn't press it any further. I could tell she wasn't happy when I told her I got my prescription, however I knew if I were to confront her about her displeasure then we would have an argument about it. According to mum I have no reason to go on the pill because 1) I'm not sexually active and 2) there's nothing wrong with my periods. Mum told me that the timing is strange due to the fact I'm going out more and socialising more, especially with Andy (the guy who I was seeing). I couldn't tell my parents the truth that I was seeing him more than a friend when being questioned by them. Mum made it very clear to me if she found out there's anything going on between him and I, then I am out of the house and I have to find somewhere else to live. My dad just stays out of the conversations - all he said about the pill business is instead of me telling them I could have done it on my own and discreetly take it without them knowing.
Problem is if I kept the pill a secret there would be a chance of mum finding them when I'm still living with my family. When I went to see the nurse I talked about it and she suggested the idea of telling my mum I have bad periods. I just told her it wouldn't work whatsoever, so she said I should tell my mum that I'm going on the pill to prepare myself for when I do meet someone special. Any said more or the less same thing basically. He thought it was daft of mum to be scared of what I will do when it comes to the pill and that instead of treating me like a child she should encourage me because I'm taking care of myself sexually. Andy as well as the female doctor and nurse told me that I can't rely only on condoms because they split sometimes and that it's to use two forms of protection when it comes to sex (the condom and the pill).
But mum thinks otherwise. She says it's not like I'm in a relationship with someone at the moment and the only time I should be thinking of taking the pill is when I'm in a stable and loving relationship with a man. That's fair enough, I admit. But what if I do meet a man who I have a real connection with and we decide to be intimate with each other? What then? What if mum reacts the same way no matter if she "approves" of him? One day I was feeling disheartened and I admitted to dad that I'm convinced that mum is heavily against the idea of me having sex in the future. He just says that it's up to me to do things in life and I have to make my own decisions because they're not going to be around forever. Also dad kinda understood the fact I don't want to remain a virgin all my life.
I've had 29 years of it already and believe me, nothing good comes out of being a virgin for too long due to sexual frustrations and the feeling you are missing out when everyone around you is having sex and/or have had sex already. I feel at times that I'm the only 29 year old virgin in this day and age. I used to be proud of being a virgin in my late teens/early 20s, but now not anymore. It gets harder for me in this day and age our culture and media is so sex oriented. Plus the fact, when a woman gets older her fertility levels starts to decrease - because I want children someday I feel that I'm running out of time and that depresses me. Men, on the other hand, are lucky as they don't have a limited amount of time - at any age they can still father a child.
Anyway back to Andy...you see, we were meant to spend the entire weekend together due to his landlady visiting her sister until Monday. Earlier on today I was meant to come down to him for 1pm and he would meet me at the bus stop (like he usually does) and we would go back to his place. We were both looking forward to it because the last time I spent the night over at his house was back in September. This weekend was meant to be romantic and everything I could ever hope for until it all went up in flames. You see, I told my parents I was spending the weekend at a female friend's house to cover up the fact I was spending it with Andy.
And then when I was getting ready to go out this morning mum and I had a strange conversation and it certainly put the fear of God into me. It went like this:
Mum: Before you go out, I just want to say something. I hope you're really spending the weekend with Karol and not with Andy. I hope you're telling the truth.
Me: I'm telling the truth, mum.
Mum: I hope you are because alarm bells are going off in my mind since you mentioned going on the pill a few weeks ago. Your father and I are not stupid, Kayley. You know my feelings about older blokes and that it's alright being friends with them.
Me: I know.
Mum: I will find out. If I do find you're telling lies then you're out of the door.
After hearing that, I didn't know what to do. It felt like as I was standing at a crossroads - do I dare go spend the weekend with Andy knowing that if they were to find out I'll be out of the house, or do I just back out of it and not risk anything? Nonetheless I was very uncomfortable and so full of guilt and uncertainty that my chest felt kinda tight. I was half tempted to text Karol and tell her if my mum happened to message her on Facebook to ask if I was there just tell her that I am. To be honest I didn't know what to do and before mum left for work she said "I hope you enjoy yourself and have fun. Remember to stay in contact." Now I took what she said as some form of a guilt trip, so I buckled under the pressure. I decided to speak to Andy about my fears and concerns because I was at a loss of what to do.
This was our chat:
Both Andy and I loved each other in our own little way despite the odds we faced. It really sucked that it couldn't be a real long term relationship due to so many conditions including us both knowing my parents would hit the roof if they were to find out about us.You see, age meant nothing to him because when he was growing up he dated women a lot older than him. There were times in which we felt guilty in our ways - I felt guilty due to my mum and dad and he felt guilty because he was scared that he might have been taking advantage of me and stuff like that. He never wanted to see me hurt, he wanted to protect me because of my past experiences with men/trust issues. At times he felt like ending the 'relationship' because he thought I would be better off with a man my age so I can experience love/sex. I said to him a few times it's up to me to decide who I love and that I loved him.
It's slightly disappointing because I did want to lose my virginity to him and he hoped he could be my first as well. But as to the reason why we didn't have sex is a little complicated even though we came pretty damn close to it more than once. He's the first man who I've felt comfortable around in real life to be intimate with and he has helped me with my confidence and in some parts of life too. He said if I didn't lose it to him, then it will happen with someone else so there's no problem there according to him.
Then again even though I've gained some experience with him, I still feel insecure about men my age. You see, older men find it a turn on if a girl is a virgin and is more than happy to show patience and guide her through her first sexual experience. But as for the majority of guys my age (or if they're slightly older or younger than me) I fear they are downright cruel. I am quite paranoid and a little bit distrustful that most, if not all, men my age DO NOT want a virgin at the age of 29 in their bed. They see that as a big fat warning sign and they don't want anything to do with her at all. I suspect that men are looking for more sexually experienced women instead of virgins - that's kinda why ever since Nick I haven't got involved with a man because I'm so scared that he will judge me for who I am (or for the many things I am not) and then reject me.
When I was with Andy I brought up this point a few times and he told me that I will find someone who will be more than happy with my lack of experience. I admit I have had plenty of first time experiences with Andy, in which I will look back on and have fond memories of. I'm just sad that it came to an end even though we both know our time was limited with one another. Maybe I was in the wrong to have let what mum said got to me this morning, but I'm only human.
If (and it's a LARGE if) I'm ever fortunate to find a guy who's closer to my age I have to be very careful what I say to my mum because it's a mistake to confide in her. No doubt she will end up ruining it for me yet again...Hell, maybe I should remain single for the rest of my life because let's face it, none of my relationships in the past has worked out for me and I find myself closing my heart so that I won't end up getting hurt. I know full well it's protecting myself for all the "wrong" reasons, but what else can I do, huh? I guess love isn't for me at all...
I think as most of you know by now I was seeing an older man for a past few months, a 'relationship' that I kept a secret from my parents. Why? Because of the 28 year age between us. You guys know what my parents are like as in my last journal that I made I clearly said that my mum and dad would never approve of me romantically seeing someone much older than me. They claim they're trying to be protective of me because according to them I am naive when it comes to men and in a way I lack experience in real life relationships. All I've had in the past was these lackluster and rather stagnant online relationships with men and only one of them developed into an actual offline relationship.
And you know something? If my parents found out what I've been up to with this man, especially when I have been intimate with him (not full sex btw), they would fucking hit the roof. My parents, especially my mum, are too fashioned in their beliefs in me dating someone close to my age. Hell, last year I had a crush on a 42 year old bloke I made the mistake in telling my mum all about it and all she did was bitch about that it's all wrong. True, it was a bit unfortunate as the man had a girlfriend at the time, but nonetheless her verdict is it's okay being friends with an older man but strictly no relationships with them. I put it down to the fact she's tying to bring me up the same way she had been brought up when she was younger. So yeah, you can say it's old fashioned and traditional in a way.
She even says that if a male friend invited me back to their place then I should decline, simply because in case he attempts anything sexual. How bloody backwards is that, right? And another thing that infuriated me is last month I was a bit late in starting my time of the month. I knew it didn't mean pregnancy in my case and sometimes it's late for various reasons. But you want to know what my mum said? She said, and I quote, "The only time you should be worried about your periods being late is if you have done something you shouldn't be doing."
I didn't make a remark about what she said, but deep down I was seething with silent fury. I thought it was wrong of her to refer to sex (or anything sexually related) to "something I shouldn't be doing" when a) I am 29 years of age, which means I am WAY over the age of consent to have sex in this country and b) I'm not promiscuous nor do I sleep around or engage in one night stands. Call me crazy or whatever, but I heavily suspect that mum is strongly against the idea of me having sex when that time comes. What. does she expect me to remain a virgin all my life and deny any sexual urges/feelings I might have for someone? Up until a few months I've experienced the true meaning of intimacy with a man and I've also learned that there's more to intimacy than just sex. I've came close losing my virginity as well.
Oh, and not surprisingly my mum was furious when I said to her I'm thinking of going on the pill a few weeks ago and she made it so difficult to talk to her that I didn't press it any further. I could tell she wasn't happy when I told her I got my prescription, however I knew if I were to confront her about her displeasure then we would have an argument about it. According to mum I have no reason to go on the pill because 1) I'm not sexually active and 2) there's nothing wrong with my periods. Mum told me that the timing is strange due to the fact I'm going out more and socialising more, especially with Andy (the guy who I was seeing). I couldn't tell my parents the truth that I was seeing him more than a friend when being questioned by them. Mum made it very clear to me if she found out there's anything going on between him and I, then I am out of the house and I have to find somewhere else to live. My dad just stays out of the conversations - all he said about the pill business is instead of me telling them I could have done it on my own and discreetly take it without them knowing.
Problem is if I kept the pill a secret there would be a chance of mum finding them when I'm still living with my family. When I went to see the nurse I talked about it and she suggested the idea of telling my mum I have bad periods. I just told her it wouldn't work whatsoever, so she said I should tell my mum that I'm going on the pill to prepare myself for when I do meet someone special. Any said more or the less same thing basically. He thought it was daft of mum to be scared of what I will do when it comes to the pill and that instead of treating me like a child she should encourage me because I'm taking care of myself sexually. Andy as well as the female doctor and nurse told me that I can't rely only on condoms because they split sometimes and that it's to use two forms of protection when it comes to sex (the condom and the pill).
But mum thinks otherwise. She says it's not like I'm in a relationship with someone at the moment and the only time I should be thinking of taking the pill is when I'm in a stable and loving relationship with a man. That's fair enough, I admit. But what if I do meet a man who I have a real connection with and we decide to be intimate with each other? What then? What if mum reacts the same way no matter if she "approves" of him? One day I was feeling disheartened and I admitted to dad that I'm convinced that mum is heavily against the idea of me having sex in the future. He just says that it's up to me to do things in life and I have to make my own decisions because they're not going to be around forever. Also dad kinda understood the fact I don't want to remain a virgin all my life.
I've had 29 years of it already and believe me, nothing good comes out of being a virgin for too long due to sexual frustrations and the feeling you are missing out when everyone around you is having sex and/or have had sex already. I feel at times that I'm the only 29 year old virgin in this day and age. I used to be proud of being a virgin in my late teens/early 20s, but now not anymore. It gets harder for me in this day and age our culture and media is so sex oriented. Plus the fact, when a woman gets older her fertility levels starts to decrease - because I want children someday I feel that I'm running out of time and that depresses me. Men, on the other hand, are lucky as they don't have a limited amount of time - at any age they can still father a child.
Anyway back to Andy...you see, we were meant to spend the entire weekend together due to his landlady visiting her sister until Monday. Earlier on today I was meant to come down to him for 1pm and he would meet me at the bus stop (like he usually does) and we would go back to his place. We were both looking forward to it because the last time I spent the night over at his house was back in September. This weekend was meant to be romantic and everything I could ever hope for until it all went up in flames. You see, I told my parents I was spending the weekend at a female friend's house to cover up the fact I was spending it with Andy.
And then when I was getting ready to go out this morning mum and I had a strange conversation and it certainly put the fear of God into me. It went like this:
Mum: Before you go out, I just want to say something. I hope you're really spending the weekend with Karol and not with Andy. I hope you're telling the truth.
Me: I'm telling the truth, mum.
Mum: I hope you are because alarm bells are going off in my mind since you mentioned going on the pill a few weeks ago. Your father and I are not stupid, Kayley. You know my feelings about older blokes and that it's alright being friends with them.
Me: I know.
Mum: I will find out. If I do find you're telling lies then you're out of the door.
After hearing that, I didn't know what to do. It felt like as I was standing at a crossroads - do I dare go spend the weekend with Andy knowing that if they were to find out I'll be out of the house, or do I just back out of it and not risk anything? Nonetheless I was very uncomfortable and so full of guilt and uncertainty that my chest felt kinda tight. I was half tempted to text Karol and tell her if my mum happened to message her on Facebook to ask if I was there just tell her that I am. To be honest I didn't know what to do and before mum left for work she said "I hope you enjoy yourself and have fun. Remember to stay in contact." Now I took what she said as some form of a guilt trip, so I buckled under the pressure. I decided to speak to Andy about my fears and concerns because I was at a loss of what to do.
This was our chat:
Me: Babe, before mum left for work she said something strange. She said "Before you go I hope you are spending the weekend with Karol and not that Andy. Because alarm bells are ringing in my mind all because you mentioned about the pill a few weeks ago."
Andy: OK babe, so you aren’t coming over then?
Me: And then she said "I will find out one way or another. And if you're lying then you're out of the door because you know my feelings"
Andy: Well babe, then it’s better to end things now than drag it out.
Me: I'm sorry about this.
Andy: No problem, thought that it was too good to last, anyway all the best and look after yourself.
Me: We still will be friends, yes?
Andy: Kayley, better to stop completely. It is no use pretending that I wasn’t a support to help you become more independent, and in many ways you have achieved that goal. So best end it cleanly.
Me: I know you have helped me. And I appreciate that.
Andy: Anyway, as I said, good luck.
Me: Are you okay?
Andy: Yeah. If your mum wonders why i have defriended her, tell her you told me about what she said and I felt insulted by it. It takes the pressure off you to make something up
Me: I just dislike them at times.
Andy: Well, you will get over that, they are your parents and you must stick with them. Anyway, goodbye dear, and good luck.
Me: You're not angry with me?
Andy: No, don’t think that. Just get on with your life and have fun
Me: It's because I don't want you being angry for something I have no control over.
Andy: No worries.
Me: I'm really sorry about this.
Both Andy and I loved each other in our own little way despite the odds we faced. It really sucked that it couldn't be a real long term relationship due to so many conditions including us both knowing my parents would hit the roof if they were to find out about us.You see, age meant nothing to him because when he was growing up he dated women a lot older than him. There were times in which we felt guilty in our ways - I felt guilty due to my mum and dad and he felt guilty because he was scared that he might have been taking advantage of me and stuff like that. He never wanted to see me hurt, he wanted to protect me because of my past experiences with men/trust issues. At times he felt like ending the 'relationship' because he thought I would be better off with a man my age so I can experience love/sex. I said to him a few times it's up to me to decide who I love and that I loved him.
It's slightly disappointing because I did want to lose my virginity to him and he hoped he could be my first as well. But as to the reason why we didn't have sex is a little complicated even though we came pretty damn close to it more than once. He's the first man who I've felt comfortable around in real life to be intimate with and he has helped me with my confidence and in some parts of life too. He said if I didn't lose it to him, then it will happen with someone else so there's no problem there according to him.
Then again even though I've gained some experience with him, I still feel insecure about men my age. You see, older men find it a turn on if a girl is a virgin and is more than happy to show patience and guide her through her first sexual experience. But as for the majority of guys my age (or if they're slightly older or younger than me) I fear they are downright cruel. I am quite paranoid and a little bit distrustful that most, if not all, men my age DO NOT want a virgin at the age of 29 in their bed. They see that as a big fat warning sign and they don't want anything to do with her at all. I suspect that men are looking for more sexually experienced women instead of virgins - that's kinda why ever since Nick I haven't got involved with a man because I'm so scared that he will judge me for who I am (or for the many things I am not) and then reject me.
When I was with Andy I brought up this point a few times and he told me that I will find someone who will be more than happy with my lack of experience. I admit I have had plenty of first time experiences with Andy, in which I will look back on and have fond memories of. I'm just sad that it came to an end even though we both know our time was limited with one another. Maybe I was in the wrong to have let what mum said got to me this morning, but I'm only human.
If (and it's a LARGE if) I'm ever fortunate to find a guy who's closer to my age I have to be very careful what I say to my mum because it's a mistake to confide in her. No doubt she will end up ruining it for me yet again...Hell, maybe I should remain single for the rest of my life because let's face it, none of my relationships in the past has worked out for me and I find myself closing my heart so that I won't end up getting hurt. I know full well it's protecting myself for all the "wrong" reasons, but what else can I do, huh? I guess love isn't for me at all...
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I Think I'm A Failure Sexual Wise...
10 min read
Yeah, I apologise if this journal may offend (or something like this) as I'll be revealing some intimate details. But for those who have had sex before (and I'm looking at women here when I say this - if you're a man, then you can offer your two cents or something like that), maybe you can help me because I desperately need some advice. And we're all adults here, so I just want a mature and proper conversation, alright?
I really thought having sex and losing your virginity is such an easy thing to accomplish - for many years I've believed this and that's why as someone who's sexually inexperienced I was secretly jealous when I hear stories of other people having sex. But today all those beliefs shattered apart and right now I'm beginning to question myself.
Well, today I attempted to have sex for the first time with a man who I deeply care for and in turn he feels the same way for me. I know that he loves me in his own way and he tells me how special I am to him. More than once he has told me he has feelings for me and sometimes we have told one another we loved each other. Only problem is we can never be a proper couple and he can never give me a proper relationship. Why? Well, because there is quite an age gap between us (a big one) and we both know that my parents wouldn't approve of it. In fact they would freak out big time. My parents are too old fashoned - hell, how about last year when I had a crush on the 42 year old bloke? My mum hit the fucking roof because she was against the whole idea. Yes, they want me to find a decent man but he can't be too old for me at all. Then again most of my boyfriends had been more or less the same age as me, but this time it's different. At times I wish the guy was around my age, but then again welcome to the world of reality in which things like that are out of my control.
We've known each other for almost three months and we've been 'seeing' each other for the past few weeks. It feels like I have known him longer and I found myself trusting him with personal things. I've told him of my online romances, especially Nick, and many other things. And when I told him that I'm a virgin he didn't react with horror or disgust. Sure, he was amazed and a little surprised but overall he was very understanding about it and my virginity was a big turn on to him. The bright side is I've realised that it's okay to be a virgin and that it won't bother most men - I was wrong to believe that all men wanted sexually experienced women and that all of them hated virgins. He. of course, isn't a virgin at all but he hasn't been with a virgin woman at all. I just didn't expect us having deep feelings for one another and I consider him to be one of my best friends.
I wanted him to be my first lover and we have talked about having sex due to the fact for the past week and a half we have been sexually intimate with one another. I finally know what it's like to be intimate with a man and it's something that I immensely enjoy - and because I controlled the pace and took it at stages I've became more sexually confident while learning how to give and receive pleasure. And a few hours ago I attempted to have sex for the first time, however when he tried to enter me (don't worry, he was wearing a condom because we discussed it a few days ago) we had a bit of a problem. Nope, it didn't have anything to do with his size because he's a bit on the short side (which is something I don't mind at all) - it's because apparently down there I am small and tight. And believe me, it's not something that I'm proud of. It just makes me feel that as a woman I fail sexually. Not so long ago I burst into tears because of it.
I don't think I've been stretched down there sadly. He can put one finger in with no difficulty or pain on my part, but not two because I tense up and the guy is afraid of hurting me. He doesn't want to see me in pain whatsoever - he just wants to pleasure me. There's not most men who takes the woman's feelings into consideration at all, and that's why I like him so much. He's always been gentle with me and he compliments me as well as reassures me. There have been a few times during foreplay that he feels himself getting overly excited and he wants to take me. However he reels himself back in because he fears that I might hate him as a result or that I'll be crying with pain.
So when we found out we couldn't do the deed he said that we can try again later on, so he focused on my pleasure. But when he tried to add a second finger in he found me tense and then he said if we were to have sex then I'd be hurting. When he told me that I was disappointed, but then again we had fun other ways. Afterwards he could tell there was something off about me and he tried to get me to talk to him because he thought he must have said/done something to have upset me. In the end I told him the truth - I just said to him I hate being tight down there and how I wish I was loose (no, not sexually loose in terms of a sheer amount of sexual partners if that's what you're thinking). His reaction was to hug me tight to him while kissing me, constantly reassuring me that it shouldn't upset me and that it eventually will happen. He then said if it won't happen with him, then it will happen with some other guy.
And yet, I'm at home and I still feel upset. I just find it honestly pathetic that a penis let alone two fingers cannot seem to enter me. I'm not stupid - I am fully aware that when a woman has sex for the first time it will hurt and she will experience a bit of pain due to how tight she is. It's so much different for a man when he loses his virginity because he's not the one being penetrated - well, unless he's attracted to the same sex then that's a different story. And before any of you suggest anal sex that's not my cup of tea at all. I'm really not into anal sex for various reasons and he's not into it either.
For you women who have had sex before, just tell me if I'm doing something wrong here. I mean, is there something sexually wrong with me? Because at the moment I'm getting all tensed up and the more I get upset/doubtful the more blame I'm putting on myself. Am I sexually frigid? Is that what it is?
Was it easy for you women to lose your virginity? Did you go through some issues like I am at the moment? Because I just don't want what to do. I don't know how to solve it or make it better for myself. You have no idea how disheartened I am all because apparently I can't have sex at the fucking age of 28. That's not normal at all...
At this point in time I'm just scared that whenever I do try to have sex with a man the same thing might constantly happen. And what's more is eventually I want to have children of my own someday. How the fuck can that happen? And please don't say IVF or artificial insemination because I don't want that - I want to conceive naturally. And what happens if I want to get married to a man who I love so much? I don't want a marriage that is sexless because that's unnatural. I know sex is not the be all and the end of in any relationship, however the fact remains is I don't want to be a virgin all my life. I do want to have sex. I never thought I would reach third base with a man (oral sex/manual stimulation) and I'm surprised that I enjoy it so much.
I slightly curse myself for being my sexual inexperience. Most girls my age have done plenty of things and have had sex with more than one man. Now I kinda know how sexual frustration feels like - not a very nice place to be in at all. To be honest (and I apologise for being so crude here) I'm not used to vigorous fingering - not from a man or myself surprisingly. I haven't experimented with any sexual toys. I mean, I have been into Anne Summers more than once and checked out the toys there. But I don't know if it's just me personally, but when I look at vibrators (even the rampart rabbit one) their size intimidates me. I just look at them and think how the fuck can something that big fit inside me without getting damaged in the process. I don't know if it's because I'm a virgin but that's the way I think. Having said that, I know that for first time users/novices bullets and wands are usually recommended.
I just hope to God there's nothing wrong with me sexually. I just don't know what to do. It's the first time I've experienced something like this in my life, so a little advice and guidance is more than welcome. I never knew how hard sex can be - how foolish of me...
I really thought having sex and losing your virginity is such an easy thing to accomplish - for many years I've believed this and that's why as someone who's sexually inexperienced I was secretly jealous when I hear stories of other people having sex. But today all those beliefs shattered apart and right now I'm beginning to question myself.
Well, today I attempted to have sex for the first time with a man who I deeply care for and in turn he feels the same way for me. I know that he loves me in his own way and he tells me how special I am to him. More than once he has told me he has feelings for me and sometimes we have told one another we loved each other. Only problem is we can never be a proper couple and he can never give me a proper relationship. Why? Well, because there is quite an age gap between us (a big one) and we both know that my parents wouldn't approve of it. In fact they would freak out big time. My parents are too old fashoned - hell, how about last year when I had a crush on the 42 year old bloke? My mum hit the fucking roof because she was against the whole idea. Yes, they want me to find a decent man but he can't be too old for me at all. Then again most of my boyfriends had been more or less the same age as me, but this time it's different. At times I wish the guy was around my age, but then again welcome to the world of reality in which things like that are out of my control.
We've known each other for almost three months and we've been 'seeing' each other for the past few weeks. It feels like I have known him longer and I found myself trusting him with personal things. I've told him of my online romances, especially Nick, and many other things. And when I told him that I'm a virgin he didn't react with horror or disgust. Sure, he was amazed and a little surprised but overall he was very understanding about it and my virginity was a big turn on to him. The bright side is I've realised that it's okay to be a virgin and that it won't bother most men - I was wrong to believe that all men wanted sexually experienced women and that all of them hated virgins. He. of course, isn't a virgin at all but he hasn't been with a virgin woman at all. I just didn't expect us having deep feelings for one another and I consider him to be one of my best friends.
I wanted him to be my first lover and we have talked about having sex due to the fact for the past week and a half we have been sexually intimate with one another. I finally know what it's like to be intimate with a man and it's something that I immensely enjoy - and because I controlled the pace and took it at stages I've became more sexually confident while learning how to give and receive pleasure. And a few hours ago I attempted to have sex for the first time, however when he tried to enter me (don't worry, he was wearing a condom because we discussed it a few days ago) we had a bit of a problem. Nope, it didn't have anything to do with his size because he's a bit on the short side (which is something I don't mind at all) - it's because apparently down there I am small and tight. And believe me, it's not something that I'm proud of. It just makes me feel that as a woman I fail sexually. Not so long ago I burst into tears because of it.
I don't think I've been stretched down there sadly. He can put one finger in with no difficulty or pain on my part, but not two because I tense up and the guy is afraid of hurting me. He doesn't want to see me in pain whatsoever - he just wants to pleasure me. There's not most men who takes the woman's feelings into consideration at all, and that's why I like him so much. He's always been gentle with me and he compliments me as well as reassures me. There have been a few times during foreplay that he feels himself getting overly excited and he wants to take me. However he reels himself back in because he fears that I might hate him as a result or that I'll be crying with pain.
So when we found out we couldn't do the deed he said that we can try again later on, so he focused on my pleasure. But when he tried to add a second finger in he found me tense and then he said if we were to have sex then I'd be hurting. When he told me that I was disappointed, but then again we had fun other ways. Afterwards he could tell there was something off about me and he tried to get me to talk to him because he thought he must have said/done something to have upset me. In the end I told him the truth - I just said to him I hate being tight down there and how I wish I was loose (no, not sexually loose in terms of a sheer amount of sexual partners if that's what you're thinking). His reaction was to hug me tight to him while kissing me, constantly reassuring me that it shouldn't upset me and that it eventually will happen. He then said if it won't happen with him, then it will happen with some other guy.
And yet, I'm at home and I still feel upset. I just find it honestly pathetic that a penis let alone two fingers cannot seem to enter me. I'm not stupid - I am fully aware that when a woman has sex for the first time it will hurt and she will experience a bit of pain due to how tight she is. It's so much different for a man when he loses his virginity because he's not the one being penetrated - well, unless he's attracted to the same sex then that's a different story. And before any of you suggest anal sex that's not my cup of tea at all. I'm really not into anal sex for various reasons and he's not into it either.
For you women who have had sex before, just tell me if I'm doing something wrong here. I mean, is there something sexually wrong with me? Because at the moment I'm getting all tensed up and the more I get upset/doubtful the more blame I'm putting on myself. Am I sexually frigid? Is that what it is?
Was it easy for you women to lose your virginity? Did you go through some issues like I am at the moment? Because I just don't want what to do. I don't know how to solve it or make it better for myself. You have no idea how disheartened I am all because apparently I can't have sex at the fucking age of 28. That's not normal at all...At this point in time I'm just scared that whenever I do try to have sex with a man the same thing might constantly happen. And what's more is eventually I want to have children of my own someday. How the fuck can that happen? And please don't say IVF or artificial insemination because I don't want that - I want to conceive naturally. And what happens if I want to get married to a man who I love so much? I don't want a marriage that is sexless because that's unnatural. I know sex is not the be all and the end of in any relationship, however the fact remains is I don't want to be a virgin all my life. I do want to have sex. I never thought I would reach third base with a man (oral sex/manual stimulation) and I'm surprised that I enjoy it so much.
I slightly curse myself for being my sexual inexperience. Most girls my age have done plenty of things and have had sex with more than one man. Now I kinda know how sexual frustration feels like - not a very nice place to be in at all. To be honest (and I apologise for being so crude here) I'm not used to vigorous fingering - not from a man or myself surprisingly. I haven't experimented with any sexual toys. I mean, I have been into Anne Summers more than once and checked out the toys there. But I don't know if it's just me personally, but when I look at vibrators (even the rampart rabbit one) their size intimidates me. I just look at them and think how the fuck can something that big fit inside me without getting damaged in the process. I don't know if it's because I'm a virgin but that's the way I think. Having said that, I know that for first time users/novices bullets and wands are usually recommended.
I just hope to God there's nothing wrong with me sexually. I just don't know what to do. It's the first time I've experienced something like this in my life, so a little advice and guidance is more than welcome. I never knew how hard sex can be - how foolish of me...
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I Can Never Catch A Break...
16 min read
I think I need to take this moment to vent because I've got a lot of things on my mind. Let's just say I've been through enough these past couple of days and I had to stand up for myself/be brutal to people because they haven't been treating me right.
I think it's best if I should change my phone number tomorrow. Why? It's because these two Albanian men are harassing me and to be quite frank I'm in a mixture of shock/slightly afraid and being pissed off. Don't worry, I'm not in any kind of physical danger if that's what you're wondering. I'm safe. But at this moment in time I'm trying to distract myself so I can calm myself down. And I really need to get my feelings from my chest.
So let's start from the beginning. Last Saturday Karol (a close female friend of mine who I've known for the past two months) and I were hanging out in the park. She said that one of her male friends will be turning up and she asked if I was okay with it. I accepted because she said he will only hang out with us for like half an hour. Anyway before he arrived Karol told me they have been speaking online for the past year or so and this will be the first time in him and her meeting each other in real life. And before you think that she met him on an actual website, that's not the case. She said that one of her friends known this guy and they gave the phone number to Karol. Another thing she told me is he's Albanian and he works as a construction worker, so he's been in the UK for the past few few years. She also assured me that she has no romantic feelings towards him as she's interested in someone else.
Mevlan (that his name) came along and he seemed okay. Yes, I was a little shy around him as I get like that when I met new people. But I made the effort to be friendly and talk to him. Karol did speak with him and all that, but she wasn't in a talkative mood as she had a lot of things going on beforehand - she had problems with her no good ex. But I can tell she wasn't interested in Mevlan romantically and all that. So before he went him and I swapped numbers and he told me he has a male friend called Diny (who's also Albanian and who works with him). So he suggested that the next weekend all four of us should meet again in the park for like a double date. Also Mevlan told me he will pass my phone number onto Diny so we can get to know one another.
On Sunday (the next day) I spoke to Diny (as well as Mevlan) and Diny seemed alright. Bearing in mind, Karol warned me in advance not to speak about personal stuff and be mindful because I don't really know them and she doesn't know them too well either. That's rather understandable because I know she cares about me and I do trust her to watch my back like I watch hers. So yeah, I spoke with Diny on WhatsApp and he seemed okay. He asked me if I was single (to which I said yes) and he was single too. I didn't really disclose any deep information about my past relationships, but I did say I had a crush on someone last month but it didn't work out in the end. He just said that he wanted to take me out to Central London along with other sweet things. But after my crush on that idiot Adam (the dom from Devon) I've became more careful and not be swayed so easily by what a man says.
Everything was going okay until Tuesday. You see, for the most part of the day I had lunch with Andy and by the time I came home I was exhausted and I wanted to chill out with my mum before doing my own thing for the rest of the evening. And because I didn't answer Diny's messages on WhatsApp Mevlan got in touch. He said to me that Diny was upset that I wasn't talking to him and apparently I was ignoring him. At the time I thought nothing of it, but it did strike a nerve with me.
I consider myself to be an introverted person, as most of you probably realise by now, so that means I take some time to warm up to people who I don't know. I mean, sure, I have kinda learned to enjoy socialising with people in real life and not let my social anxiety get the better of me, but I do like to do my own thing and spend time on my own. Now with an introverted person they have a rich inner life and in no way are they anti-social or anything like that. It's just say that they can be social with friends/other people however afterwards they can feel themselves a little drained and of course they want to recharge their batteries by doing their own thing. Needless to say I'm no different - that's why I take time in answering comments and/or getting back to people.
But I find that one of the things I can't stand personally is when I don't answer straight away some people get the wrong impression and they automatically think that I'm ignoring them when in all honesty I'm not. I didn't feel the need to explain to them that I'm an introvert and all that because their understanding of English isn't all that advanced. So I just told them both that I've been busy with things and I assured them I wasn't ignoring anyone and whatnot. Plus the fact I don't really know them so I'm more inclined to speak to those who I do know and have a good friendship with.
I have to admit something though something did happen that struck alarm bells with me. Now out of the blue Mevlan remarked how strong I have been without a man for the past four years and how it must be difficult. He then basically delved into personal stuff like "Do you feel hot and horny? I bet you do. Years without sex is not good." Now if you have known someone for three days and if they started speaking about sexual concerns/your private life, that's totally unacceptable. That's a real turn off in my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I do talk about sex from time to time and I have nothing against the subject. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it, especially my personal business, with someone who I barely know. With my girl friends we do have discussions about sex and men and we have a laugh about it. But I think with the opposite sex you have to be mindful if you talk about sex with them. And as a girl, I have to be careful because you do get some guys who might get the wrong impression and who won't take no for an answer.
So when he was saying that, I thought to myself "Fuck this shit. I'm out!" and I made out that I was heading off to get some sleep. Thankfully he got the message and he let me go. But after that conversation I couldn't help but to be a bit suspicious. If he was like that, then how the hell do I know if his friend, Diny, is the same? I know it may sound over the top but I value my safety. For a few days afterwards both lads tried to message me on WhatsApp but I wasn't taking any notice and plus the fact on Thursday I was going through a very hard time (very long story) and I didn't feel like speaking to anyone.
Things got really bad last night (Friday). Because I was on Whatsapp minding my own business and speaking to Karol (as it was pretty urgent as I had to find out the plans for the double date and me telling her the problems I've went through), both boys wouldn't stop pestering me at all. And the more they kept on messaging me when I was trying to speak to Karol, the more wound up I was getting.
This was my conversation with Diny:
D: Hey. How are you?
D: Where have you been?
D: I want to come to meet tomorrow.
D: Speak to me please.
Me: I'm kinda busy right now and I have to speak to my friend about the plans for tomorrow.
D: Ok.
D: Where is Kayley? Tell her to write to me please.
So when I read that I done a mental face palm. I'm sorry, I know he doesn't grasp the English language very well but oh dear Lord, he must be that stupid not to have realise that it was ME, Kayley, speaking to him when I was explaining that I was busy. I didn't bother answering him because knowing me, I would make a slightly sarcastic comment to him. So in the end I bit my tongue to spite myself in order to avoid a misunderstanding.
Now, on the other hand with the other bloke (Mevlan), he was so fucking rude to me and I wasn't certainly standing for it. This is the chat between him and I:
M: What are you doing?
M: You alright lol
M: Where have you been lol
M: You alright there?
M: Are you ignoring me or what lol
Me: I'm chatting to Karol because I'm going through a hard time right now and I need her advice. That's why I haven't been talkative these past few days. So no, please don't assume I'm ignoring you.
M: You ignore me.
Me (by this time I was pissed off): I think you should re-read the last sentence as I did say I wasn't ignoring you.
M: I respect you, you should respect me back when I ask how are you.
I think you can imagine how pissed off I was in terms of these two idiots. I was more disgusted with what Mevlan said to me because that was uncalled for. You can see that I tried to explain things to him in a clear manner but still he acted like a right douchebag about it. I kid you not, but when I shown my parents the messages they were disgusted. Mum told me I should let no man talk to me that way because I'm far more better and that I should put him in his place/stand my ground. Dad said, "How dare he speak to you like that? He doesn't know the meaning of respect and the bastard certainly don't know how to respect women!" To be perfectly honest, my parents are right in what they say. Even I told Andy what happened and he said this: "That guy should be told that respect has to be earned, and not simply expected because he has a penis!" You certainly can't argue with that logic, can you?
So in the end I reached my limits and blocked both Mevlan and Diny on my WhatsApp, thinking it would be a good idea to take a break from them for a few days before eventually unblocking them. Anyway today (Saturday) was the whole double date thing, but Karol texted me this morning. She said that we have to reschedule for another time because of issues she's going through involving her family - I won't say exactly what as it's not my business to tell, but I assured her that it was fine and not to worry because I understand. She seemed to have cheered up after me saying that. I did ask her if she has let Mevlan know of the double date not happening today to which she said she did.
I was under the impression that everything was fine and dandy. Oh, how I thought wrong...A few hours aho Diny texted me and because of how badly written it was I had to read it a few times because it confused the hell out of me. Anyway this is what he put (and I'm writing it in all its originality):
"Hello Kayley. I thought you are a good girl but you do not please even less to me is anyway it does not matter and I like fell in love with you but it seems that I fell in love taken with you I really wanted to meet because to know each other but you hurt me do not even know where is the problem do not know what made you do not speak at all only have wanted to know why. Thanks also hope to understand each for up to here."
Seriously, how the hell am I meant to translate and understand that text when it simply doesn't make any sense whatsoever? It's kinda like trying to decipher an ancient code if you know what I mean. So in my state of confusion I immediately shown my mum and dad the message and they could barely understand him at all. Dad suggested that I shouldn't respond back because in his eyes that text doesn't even warrant a response back. So half an hour later Diny phoned me in front of my family and I rejected his phone call. I also blocked his number because I felt that I was being harassed.
However these are some of the things that I want to point out:
1. How the fuck can you fall in love with someone you HAVE NOT met within a few days of speaking to each other through messages on WhatsApp?
I'm sorry, but I find the concept to be laughable! From my understanding you have to develop a good friendship with a person over a period of time before you begin to fall for them. That's what happened with me and my ex boyfriends - I was friends with them for a long period of time before getting romantically involved with them. I'm not a believer of love at first sight because to me that is lust/sexual attraction instead of real love.
Even my parents agreed with me when I pointed it out to me. They believe because he's Albanian he might be looking to get married to an English girl just so that he can get visa in this country. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think this might be the case. When we got talking, my parents did say that in some cultures (not all) men think they are superior and they treat women like second class citizens. That's why they're kinda against me and my brother dating someone from a different culture/nationality because they don't want us (especially me) to be treated like dogs and be physically abused.
I found out from my dad that Albanian men don't treat women with respect due to the fact of Albania's main religion is Muslim. And I remember Mevlan saying he was Muslim because I offered him a sausage roll and he explained to me he doesn't eat pork. Now one of my family members married a Muslim and she changed for the worse. He was controlling over her, she changed her identity and clothing just to fit in with his religion and he treated her like utter shit. You hear a lot of terrible things about Muslims in the media because of how brainwashed they are - they think the Western world is evil and that's why most of them commits acts of terrorism against innocent people and they take pleasure in the act of killing in the name of their so-called God.
2. How is it my fault that I didn't meet him today when Karol had to cancel the plans? And why the hell did he had the damn cheek to say that I hurt him? I'm sorry, but that's a load of bullshit! I'm not taking responsibility for something that I haven't even done. It just shows how stupid he is if he thinks it's my doing and for him to try and guilt trip me is bloody unacceptable.
3. I've explained to him on more than one occasion why I haven't been speaking to him or his dimwitted friend. And still he doesn't grasp a word that I've said to him - honestly, it's like I'm speaking to a brick wall...I don't have to explain to him. I am my own boss and I belong to no one. I certainly don't jump to anyone's command because I am a human being, not some kind of fucking object. I've had a terrible couple of days because for a long time one of my friends tried hooking me up with a 51 year old man (who is WAY too old for me in the first place) and because of her pushing my buttons until the point of no return I told her what I truly thought of her before cutting ties with her. I cut ties with the 51 year old as well because he kept on pestering me and my God, he was a major pain in my arse as he was far too persistent.
So yeah, my parents told me it's best to change my phone number tomorrow. I've sent Karol a message on Facebook saying that I'm being harassed by those arseholes and I don't feel comfortable meeting up with them - I'm fine hanging around her, but I don't want to see the boys ever. I just hope she will understand me and respect my wishes.
I think it's best if I should change my phone number tomorrow. Why? It's because these two Albanian men are harassing me and to be quite frank I'm in a mixture of shock/slightly afraid and being pissed off. Don't worry, I'm not in any kind of physical danger if that's what you're wondering. I'm safe. But at this moment in time I'm trying to distract myself so I can calm myself down. And I really need to get my feelings from my chest.
So let's start from the beginning. Last Saturday Karol (a close female friend of mine who I've known for the past two months) and I were hanging out in the park. She said that one of her male friends will be turning up and she asked if I was okay with it. I accepted because she said he will only hang out with us for like half an hour. Anyway before he arrived Karol told me they have been speaking online for the past year or so and this will be the first time in him and her meeting each other in real life. And before you think that she met him on an actual website, that's not the case. She said that one of her friends known this guy and they gave the phone number to Karol. Another thing she told me is he's Albanian and he works as a construction worker, so he's been in the UK for the past few few years. She also assured me that she has no romantic feelings towards him as she's interested in someone else.
Mevlan (that his name) came along and he seemed okay. Yes, I was a little shy around him as I get like that when I met new people. But I made the effort to be friendly and talk to him. Karol did speak with him and all that, but she wasn't in a talkative mood as she had a lot of things going on beforehand - she had problems with her no good ex. But I can tell she wasn't interested in Mevlan romantically and all that. So before he went him and I swapped numbers and he told me he has a male friend called Diny (who's also Albanian and who works with him). So he suggested that the next weekend all four of us should meet again in the park for like a double date. Also Mevlan told me he will pass my phone number onto Diny so we can get to know one another.
On Sunday (the next day) I spoke to Diny (as well as Mevlan) and Diny seemed alright. Bearing in mind, Karol warned me in advance not to speak about personal stuff and be mindful because I don't really know them and she doesn't know them too well either. That's rather understandable because I know she cares about me and I do trust her to watch my back like I watch hers. So yeah, I spoke with Diny on WhatsApp and he seemed okay. He asked me if I was single (to which I said yes) and he was single too. I didn't really disclose any deep information about my past relationships, but I did say I had a crush on someone last month but it didn't work out in the end. He just said that he wanted to take me out to Central London along with other sweet things. But after my crush on that idiot Adam (the dom from Devon) I've became more careful and not be swayed so easily by what a man says.
Everything was going okay until Tuesday. You see, for the most part of the day I had lunch with Andy and by the time I came home I was exhausted and I wanted to chill out with my mum before doing my own thing for the rest of the evening. And because I didn't answer Diny's messages on WhatsApp Mevlan got in touch. He said to me that Diny was upset that I wasn't talking to him and apparently I was ignoring him. At the time I thought nothing of it, but it did strike a nerve with me.
I consider myself to be an introverted person, as most of you probably realise by now, so that means I take some time to warm up to people who I don't know. I mean, sure, I have kinda learned to enjoy socialising with people in real life and not let my social anxiety get the better of me, but I do like to do my own thing and spend time on my own. Now with an introverted person they have a rich inner life and in no way are they anti-social or anything like that. It's just say that they can be social with friends/other people however afterwards they can feel themselves a little drained and of course they want to recharge their batteries by doing their own thing. Needless to say I'm no different - that's why I take time in answering comments and/or getting back to people.
But I find that one of the things I can't stand personally is when I don't answer straight away some people get the wrong impression and they automatically think that I'm ignoring them when in all honesty I'm not. I didn't feel the need to explain to them that I'm an introvert and all that because their understanding of English isn't all that advanced. So I just told them both that I've been busy with things and I assured them I wasn't ignoring anyone and whatnot. Plus the fact I don't really know them so I'm more inclined to speak to those who I do know and have a good friendship with.
I have to admit something though something did happen that struck alarm bells with me. Now out of the blue Mevlan remarked how strong I have been without a man for the past four years and how it must be difficult. He then basically delved into personal stuff like "Do you feel hot and horny? I bet you do. Years without sex is not good." Now if you have known someone for three days and if they started speaking about sexual concerns/your private life, that's totally unacceptable. That's a real turn off in my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I do talk about sex from time to time and I have nothing against the subject. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it, especially my personal business, with someone who I barely know. With my girl friends we do have discussions about sex and men and we have a laugh about it. But I think with the opposite sex you have to be mindful if you talk about sex with them. And as a girl, I have to be careful because you do get some guys who might get the wrong impression and who won't take no for an answer.
So when he was saying that, I thought to myself "Fuck this shit. I'm out!" and I made out that I was heading off to get some sleep. Thankfully he got the message and he let me go. But after that conversation I couldn't help but to be a bit suspicious. If he was like that, then how the hell do I know if his friend, Diny, is the same? I know it may sound over the top but I value my safety. For a few days afterwards both lads tried to message me on WhatsApp but I wasn't taking any notice and plus the fact on Thursday I was going through a very hard time (very long story) and I didn't feel like speaking to anyone.
Things got really bad last night (Friday). Because I was on Whatsapp minding my own business and speaking to Karol (as it was pretty urgent as I had to find out the plans for the double date and me telling her the problems I've went through), both boys wouldn't stop pestering me at all. And the more they kept on messaging me when I was trying to speak to Karol, the more wound up I was getting.
This was my conversation with Diny:
D: Hey. How are you?
D: Where have you been?
D: I want to come to meet tomorrow.
D: Speak to me please.
Me: I'm kinda busy right now and I have to speak to my friend about the plans for tomorrow.
D: Ok.
D: Where is Kayley? Tell her to write to me please.
So when I read that I done a mental face palm. I'm sorry, I know he doesn't grasp the English language very well but oh dear Lord, he must be that stupid not to have realise that it was ME, Kayley, speaking to him when I was explaining that I was busy. I didn't bother answering him because knowing me, I would make a slightly sarcastic comment to him. So in the end I bit my tongue to spite myself in order to avoid a misunderstanding.
Now, on the other hand with the other bloke (Mevlan), he was so fucking rude to me and I wasn't certainly standing for it. This is the chat between him and I:
M: What are you doing?
M: You alright lol
M: Where have you been lol
M: You alright there?
M: Are you ignoring me or what lol
Me: I'm chatting to Karol because I'm going through a hard time right now and I need her advice. That's why I haven't been talkative these past few days. So no, please don't assume I'm ignoring you.
M: You ignore me.
Me (by this time I was pissed off): I think you should re-read the last sentence as I did say I wasn't ignoring you.
M: I respect you, you should respect me back when I ask how are you.
I think you can imagine how pissed off I was in terms of these two idiots. I was more disgusted with what Mevlan said to me because that was uncalled for. You can see that I tried to explain things to him in a clear manner but still he acted like a right douchebag about it. I kid you not, but when I shown my parents the messages they were disgusted. Mum told me I should let no man talk to me that way because I'm far more better and that I should put him in his place/stand my ground. Dad said, "How dare he speak to you like that? He doesn't know the meaning of respect and the bastard certainly don't know how to respect women!" To be perfectly honest, my parents are right in what they say. Even I told Andy what happened and he said this: "That guy should be told that respect has to be earned, and not simply expected because he has a penis!" You certainly can't argue with that logic, can you?
So in the end I reached my limits and blocked both Mevlan and Diny on my WhatsApp, thinking it would be a good idea to take a break from them for a few days before eventually unblocking them. Anyway today (Saturday) was the whole double date thing, but Karol texted me this morning. She said that we have to reschedule for another time because of issues she's going through involving her family - I won't say exactly what as it's not my business to tell, but I assured her that it was fine and not to worry because I understand. She seemed to have cheered up after me saying that. I did ask her if she has let Mevlan know of the double date not happening today to which she said she did.
I was under the impression that everything was fine and dandy. Oh, how I thought wrong...A few hours aho Diny texted me and because of how badly written it was I had to read it a few times because it confused the hell out of me. Anyway this is what he put (and I'm writing it in all its originality):
"Hello Kayley. I thought you are a good girl but you do not please even less to me is anyway it does not matter and I like fell in love with you but it seems that I fell in love taken with you I really wanted to meet because to know each other but you hurt me do not even know where is the problem do not know what made you do not speak at all only have wanted to know why. Thanks also hope to understand each for up to here."
Seriously, how the hell am I meant to translate and understand that text when it simply doesn't make any sense whatsoever? It's kinda like trying to decipher an ancient code if you know what I mean. So in my state of confusion I immediately shown my mum and dad the message and they could barely understand him at all. Dad suggested that I shouldn't respond back because in his eyes that text doesn't even warrant a response back. So half an hour later Diny phoned me in front of my family and I rejected his phone call. I also blocked his number because I felt that I was being harassed.
However these are some of the things that I want to point out:
1. How the fuck can you fall in love with someone you HAVE NOT met within a few days of speaking to each other through messages on WhatsApp?
I'm sorry, but I find the concept to be laughable! From my understanding you have to develop a good friendship with a person over a period of time before you begin to fall for them. That's what happened with me and my ex boyfriends - I was friends with them for a long period of time before getting romantically involved with them. I'm not a believer of love at first sight because to me that is lust/sexual attraction instead of real love.Even my parents agreed with me when I pointed it out to me. They believe because he's Albanian he might be looking to get married to an English girl just so that he can get visa in this country. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think this might be the case. When we got talking, my parents did say that in some cultures (not all) men think they are superior and they treat women like second class citizens. That's why they're kinda against me and my brother dating someone from a different culture/nationality because they don't want us (especially me) to be treated like dogs and be physically abused.
I found out from my dad that Albanian men don't treat women with respect due to the fact of Albania's main religion is Muslim. And I remember Mevlan saying he was Muslim because I offered him a sausage roll and he explained to me he doesn't eat pork. Now one of my family members married a Muslim and she changed for the worse. He was controlling over her, she changed her identity and clothing just to fit in with his religion and he treated her like utter shit. You hear a lot of terrible things about Muslims in the media because of how brainwashed they are - they think the Western world is evil and that's why most of them commits acts of terrorism against innocent people and they take pleasure in the act of killing in the name of their so-called God.
2. How is it my fault that I didn't meet him today when Karol had to cancel the plans? And why the hell did he had the damn cheek to say that I hurt him? I'm sorry, but that's a load of bullshit! I'm not taking responsibility for something that I haven't even done. It just shows how stupid he is if he thinks it's my doing and for him to try and guilt trip me is bloody unacceptable.
3. I've explained to him on more than one occasion why I haven't been speaking to him or his dimwitted friend. And still he doesn't grasp a word that I've said to him - honestly, it's like I'm speaking to a brick wall...I don't have to explain to him. I am my own boss and I belong to no one. I certainly don't jump to anyone's command because I am a human being, not some kind of fucking object. I've had a terrible couple of days because for a long time one of my friends tried hooking me up with a 51 year old man (who is WAY too old for me in the first place) and because of her pushing my buttons until the point of no return I told her what I truly thought of her before cutting ties with her. I cut ties with the 51 year old as well because he kept on pestering me and my God, he was a major pain in my arse as he was far too persistent.
So yeah, my parents told me it's best to change my phone number tomorrow. I've sent Karol a message on Facebook saying that I'm being harassed by those arseholes and I don't feel comfortable meeting up with them - I'm fine hanging around her, but I don't want to see the boys ever. I just hope she will understand me and respect my wishes.
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I'm A Free Woman and An Unwanted Pest
17 min read
Well, today I've finished my Health and Social Care course after an intense three weeks, and you know something? I feel proud of myself. Sure, when I first started the course it was all very new to me but as the course progressed I started to get the hang of it and I really enjoyed learning new things. Some of the units we covered were rather sensitive such as forms of abuse along with dementia. The latter was kinda too close to home because sadly my grandad suffers from dementia, so you can just imagine how slightly depressing it was for me. But then again it's good to understand these kind of serious topics. At least I have some more understanding.
Last week was kinda murder because since it was the last week of the course Royon, my tutor, decided to speed things up just a little bit. He basically said he wasn't stopping for anyone to catch up if we had a day off or if we had appointments during the morning - he insisted the best way was to get someone to help you catch up on the work you've missed. That happened to me because on Wednesday morning I had an appointment at the Job Centre (which is something I can't miss) and as soon as I came into the classroom, Royon handed me my workbook and told me that everyone was on the last page so I had to ask someone to help me out because we were starting a new unit that day. Eventually someone did help me and I was up to speed with things.
I gotta admit last week I got a bit worried about the way things were speeding up and as a result I felt really tired. Also, we had this workbook that was given to us at the start of the course (to work on while we're at home) that I hadn't really touched. So that had to be completed as well as some minor corrections to my portfolio folder. In the end what I done was on Thursday and Friday last week I arrived half an hour early before class started so I could get more work done. And what kinda helped was one of my friends had coffee with me after class and she helped me with the things I wanted help with in terms of researching information.
Overall it was good. I enjoyed taking part in class discussions and I made a few friends from the course too. The first couple of days I really wasn't talking to anyone there - just small talk - but what really helped was I talked to some people more and more and that way I became friends with them. There were the occasional people who kept themselves to themselves so I didn't really interact with them, bu that's bound to happen. Personally I prefer to get to know people as it can be fun. I'm still shy and nervous but it doesn't stop me from interacting - hell, when I was a teenager I was too scared to open up to people in school and out of school so I was extremely quiet. But I guess the more you get older, the more you learn about other people by actually talking to them.
Right now my plans is to relax for a while before deciding what plan of action to take next. Some people did came in during the length of the course to talk about their business as well as what courses/jobs they offer in the Health and Social Care sector. So there's two people who I want to contact and see what mu options are. As I want to go into working with children I can either go for an apprenticeship or do a Childcare Level 2 or 3 course.. With the apprenticeships the wage is really low because you're in a workplace while going to college one day a week - plus, I have to find one that's suitable for 25 and over because most of the apprenticeships are targeted for 16 to 24. On the other hand if I do a Chilldcare course then I believe I'll be put into a workplace while I'm studying, but the difference is you get rather good pay.
Childcare is my first priority and working in a care home is just another option to fall back on. Then again my parents have told me I wouldn't enjoy working in a care home simply because in their opinion I "haven't got the stomach" to do some difficult tasks of helping elderly people clean up after themselves and other things like that. That's true in some way, however I don't know if care workers do help with people going to toilet. I do know a couple of things you have to do such as bathing them and moving them (with the appropriate equipment) but overall it's not your job to do everything for them because it will take away their human rights/dignity as well as denying them the right to choose and being independent.
But there are a hell of a lot of things you can do in Health and Social Care and ultimately the sector offers more job opportunities. So yeah, I'll be resting for this week, just doing stuff that I enjoy and basically putting myself first. After all, ever since last month I've been incredibly busy after doing two courses back to back so I deserve a break. But next week I'm gonna try and keep the ball rolling by contacting those two companies to find out my options.
I want to get into the habit of writing again due to the fact I haven't worked on my anime story for quite a few months now. I haven't forgotten about it, just that sometimes life gets in the way if you know what I mean. Next month I want to do a small writing project and yes, it's something similar to the the 750 words a day challenge I done back in March of this year. I'm thinking of not focusing on Red vs Blue but my own characters this time.
Also, I've been going to the cinema just recently. I've seen Ghostbusters, Finding Dory, Star Trek Beyond and Suicide Squad and I've enjoyed all four. I haven't really hung out with my friends due to how busy I've been on the course just recently, but I'm seeing them hopefully this Friday - I can't wait to have a drink while singing my heart out to karaoke
Tomorrow I'm gonna have lunch with Andy (another friend who I met on the Recro course last month) and we're going to the park to have it. Because we were both doing separate courses at Learn Direct sometimes we went to a cafe to get some lunch and spend half an hour with each other. Andy's a cool guy and I have nothing but respect for him. It's nice to be friends with someone who's older than you.
Over the weekend dad managed to set up my xbox one for me and I've been playing some games on it, mostly Plague Inc and Halo: The Master Chief Collection. There was a custom scenario on Plague Inc called Jealously and I just had to play it as it sounded interesting. I was in a fit on giggles when I read the information before playing - it said something like "Jealously will only affect girls in this scenario because in real life women are more jealous in real life than men. Not to sound sexist/offensive or anything, but that's just it." When it came to the MC Collection I finished Crow's Nest in the Halo 3 campaign and that was it basically. I admit I did smile while playing it because I managed to activate my cloaking device, sneaked past some Grunts as well as Brute bodygurads and assassinated the Brute Chieftain (who was armed with a fuel rod) before running away to hide to surprise the rest of my enemies and then arming the bomb. The first attempt ended badly as I punched the Chieftain in the back and all he done was turned my way and by then my cloak was depleted so I lobbed a few grenades while shooting/avoiding the blasts coming my way. The fuel rod canon wasn't what killed me, it was the Brute Shots that did. But I decided to try again and it was my first time properly assassinating a Chieftain.
Oh, and you know in my last journal I talked about Adam, the dickhead I foolishly had a crush on? Well, I have some updates on that matter.
Two weeks ago when we had that disagreement in which I "tarnished" his opinion of me due to my beliefs we didn't speak for two days. I for one didn't bother getting in contact with him as I said what I wanted to say to him on that night and there was nothing left to say to him. At the time my mum insisted I should block him right away but I told mum I'd only resort to blocking if he started on me again.Anyway that weekend on my Moodtrack app, I posted "I really don't know how to feel just recently. One one hand I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns. While on the other hand I'm consumed with doubt and anger towards everyone else as well as the world."
And then out of the blue, he commented, saying "Why are you angry?"
Sure, maybe he didn't know what the fuck I was on about, but at that moment I found myself feeling angry at him - mostly for what he done to me. Also I didn't want to dignify him with an answer because it's best to keep quiet at times and I felt like I no longer trusted him. So what I done was deleted his comment and blocked him on the mood app. I didn't stop there; I also deleted and blocked his number on my phone (so he can't call, text or talk to me on WhatsApp) as well as my Skype. I gave him absolutely no warning beforehand because a) I lost all respect for him and I wanted him out of my life for good and b) it's best if I keep my distance from him even if it means running in the opposite direction.
I really thought it would be the end of that, but nope he's now resorting to pestering me in other ways and I don't appreciate his 'stalking' at all. And no, I haven't unblocked him if that's what some of you may be thinking at this moment in time.
You see, there's a major flaw I've recently discovered of the Moodtrack app, one that I'm seriously not happy about for bloody good reasons. You can block a person on there and by doing that they are not able to comment on your posts at all. However there are two problems: 1) even though they're blocked they can still check out your page/all your posts (a bit like on here) and 2) they can still 'heart' your posts despite being blocked. Their heart system is the same as a Facebook like whenever you post something/a mood entry.
I have every reason to believe that he has realised I have blocked him from all my devices and he's not too happy with what I've done and now he might be wanting to get his own back on me. I could be wrong, but I've learned what a snake he can be. That, and what a controlling bastard he can be. Seriously, I don't know what I saw in that creep anyway, especially when he said things like "If you're serious about wanting to be mine I want you to dress like you mean business" and other shit like that. And don't get me started on contraception - he gave me the choice of going on the pill or him wearing condoms, so I decided to go with the latter because I have no reason to be on the pill. I'm not sexually active and I have no problems with my periods. At first he agreed with my decision, but a few days later he changed his mind and insisted I should go on the pill because (and I'm sorry for being crude or that it's too much information) he wanted to cum inside me without no barriers between us.
I'm sorry but I refuse to have sex with a man without a condom. The pill does protect you from pregnancy but it doesn't protect you from STDs. And because he's had sex in the past who knows if he has caught something, especially if he doesn't wear a condom. Overall I don't want to catch a STD, nobody does. That's why I would prefer a man to wear protection if and when I do find myself having sex for the first time. And if he doesn't like wearing condoms for whatever reason I still won't have sex with him. The only time I'll have unprotected sex is if the man and I were in a long term relationship in which we're serious about one another, or if I'm married. Other than that, I'm not changing my opinion for any man anytime soon.
But I digress. Back to what I was saying before I rambled about safe sex and whatnot. I've noticed that since this weekend he has hearted/liked some of my moods/posts, especially when I'm not feeling so good emotionally. The first mood he liked was something really mundane e.g. I mentioned how crap I was at Plague Inc after a long while of not playing the xbox one and that I should give it a rest as the more I was losing the more disappointed I become. When he hearted it I was confused because I thought I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him hence why I blocked him on the app. I seriously thought he would back off for good.
And because yesterday and also this morning I've struggled with my emotions, especially me being a virgin and not trusting men when it comes to relationships/the fear of being single for the rest of my life. And a few hours ago I was in a bit of a dark mood/having negative thoughts and kinda hating myself, in a weak moment I posted this:
"Can waiting for the right person to lose your virginity to damages your psyche and destroys your self esteem? Because I'm beginning to think that. I'm beginning to think I have unintentionally hurt myself for still being a virgin in my late 20s..."
Needless to say he hearted it and it began clear to me that he was delighting in my suffering despite the fact he couldn't verbally say anything to me. And me checking out his mood (that he posted 5 minutes after hearting mine) proved my theory to be kinda right. He mentioned how often he wanted to be the bad guy and that he could use or take people for granted. Also he finds himself questioning how good he really was because being blunt and honest hurt people's feelings, but he knows that's he a good person and that he also regrets not being a douchebag.
Now reading that triggered off the alarm bells in my head and I automatically told mum. She wasn't happy with me posting my private business on 'social media' (when really it's a phone app where you're encouraged to post how you feel and seek/give advice - there are worse posts that other people post such as some of them wanting to commit suicide, their parents giving them a hard time, etc). Mum says when I'm saying things like my virginity and my love life (when in reality it doesn't exist at all) I'm only spurring him on and in a way drawing him onto me for no reason at all.
I get her opinion and I do see what she's saying. She wants me to be sensible only because she cares about me like a parent should do. But why should I censor myself in a small way? Am I not free to express myself regardless of how good or bad I'm feeling?
But then again mum did raise a good point. She told me "For all you know he can be a stalker in real life." I have no reason to question her judgement because everything what she said about him so far was right. He's certainly not a person worth knowing. I'm ten times better than him. He's just the shit that sticks to my shoe, nothing more. I've been told many times for the past few weeks not to let anyone put me down because I deserve better.
So after mulling over what mum told me, I decided to take action. First of all, in class I emailed the app support team and made a complaint, asking is there any way that he can be blocked from my page for good and not heart my posts at all. Then I done a little research online for some ways about changing negative thinking and one of the websites inspired me. Their suggestion was to keep a thought journal to keep note of my negative thinking on a regular basis and to also start a gratitude/positive things about you journal. So after the class was wrapped up I popped into the nearest supermarket and bought myself two notebooks.
That way I can freely express myself and I can look back on it as personal growth or something like that. And the beauty of it is that nobody can look at it nor am I drawing unwanted people on me. In the Recro course we did talk about different types of business such as you should mind your business and not let anyone else mind your business for you because it has nothing to do with them. And if you're more focused on other people's business rather than your own that creates an imbalance, thus leading to jealously from comparing yourself to others as well as other negative emotions/thinking.
As for the Moodtrack app I have abandoned my account and made myself a new one. A fresh start is always good, right? I try my best to be positive on there and cut down on the negativity - at least when I do feel negative then I can save that for my notebook.
Small changes does make a big difference. That's what I should remember, especially in bad times.
Last week was kinda murder because since it was the last week of the course Royon, my tutor, decided to speed things up just a little bit. He basically said he wasn't stopping for anyone to catch up if we had a day off or if we had appointments during the morning - he insisted the best way was to get someone to help you catch up on the work you've missed. That happened to me because on Wednesday morning I had an appointment at the Job Centre (which is something I can't miss) and as soon as I came into the classroom, Royon handed me my workbook and told me that everyone was on the last page so I had to ask someone to help me out because we were starting a new unit that day. Eventually someone did help me and I was up to speed with things.
I gotta admit last week I got a bit worried about the way things were speeding up and as a result I felt really tired. Also, we had this workbook that was given to us at the start of the course (to work on while we're at home) that I hadn't really touched. So that had to be completed as well as some minor corrections to my portfolio folder. In the end what I done was on Thursday and Friday last week I arrived half an hour early before class started so I could get more work done. And what kinda helped was one of my friends had coffee with me after class and she helped me with the things I wanted help with in terms of researching information.
Overall it was good. I enjoyed taking part in class discussions and I made a few friends from the course too. The first couple of days I really wasn't talking to anyone there - just small talk - but what really helped was I talked to some people more and more and that way I became friends with them. There were the occasional people who kept themselves to themselves so I didn't really interact with them, bu that's bound to happen. Personally I prefer to get to know people as it can be fun. I'm still shy and nervous but it doesn't stop me from interacting - hell, when I was a teenager I was too scared to open up to people in school and out of school so I was extremely quiet. But I guess the more you get older, the more you learn about other people by actually talking to them.
Right now my plans is to relax for a while before deciding what plan of action to take next. Some people did came in during the length of the course to talk about their business as well as what courses/jobs they offer in the Health and Social Care sector. So there's two people who I want to contact and see what mu options are. As I want to go into working with children I can either go for an apprenticeship or do a Childcare Level 2 or 3 course.. With the apprenticeships the wage is really low because you're in a workplace while going to college one day a week - plus, I have to find one that's suitable for 25 and over because most of the apprenticeships are targeted for 16 to 24. On the other hand if I do a Chilldcare course then I believe I'll be put into a workplace while I'm studying, but the difference is you get rather good pay.
Childcare is my first priority and working in a care home is just another option to fall back on. Then again my parents have told me I wouldn't enjoy working in a care home simply because in their opinion I "haven't got the stomach" to do some difficult tasks of helping elderly people clean up after themselves and other things like that. That's true in some way, however I don't know if care workers do help with people going to toilet. I do know a couple of things you have to do such as bathing them and moving them (with the appropriate equipment) but overall it's not your job to do everything for them because it will take away their human rights/dignity as well as denying them the right to choose and being independent.
But there are a hell of a lot of things you can do in Health and Social Care and ultimately the sector offers more job opportunities. So yeah, I'll be resting for this week, just doing stuff that I enjoy and basically putting myself first. After all, ever since last month I've been incredibly busy after doing two courses back to back so I deserve a break. But next week I'm gonna try and keep the ball rolling by contacting those two companies to find out my options.
I want to get into the habit of writing again due to the fact I haven't worked on my anime story for quite a few months now. I haven't forgotten about it, just that sometimes life gets in the way if you know what I mean. Next month I want to do a small writing project and yes, it's something similar to the the 750 words a day challenge I done back in March of this year. I'm thinking of not focusing on Red vs Blue but my own characters this time.
Also, I've been going to the cinema just recently. I've seen Ghostbusters, Finding Dory, Star Trek Beyond and Suicide Squad and I've enjoyed all four. I haven't really hung out with my friends due to how busy I've been on the course just recently, but I'm seeing them hopefully this Friday - I can't wait to have a drink while singing my heart out to karaoke
Tomorrow I'm gonna have lunch with Andy (another friend who I met on the Recro course last month) and we're going to the park to have it. Because we were both doing separate courses at Learn Direct sometimes we went to a cafe to get some lunch and spend half an hour with each other. Andy's a cool guy and I have nothing but respect for him. It's nice to be friends with someone who's older than you.Over the weekend dad managed to set up my xbox one for me and I've been playing some games on it, mostly Plague Inc and Halo: The Master Chief Collection. There was a custom scenario on Plague Inc called Jealously and I just had to play it as it sounded interesting. I was in a fit on giggles when I read the information before playing - it said something like "Jealously will only affect girls in this scenario because in real life women are more jealous in real life than men. Not to sound sexist/offensive or anything, but that's just it." When it came to the MC Collection I finished Crow's Nest in the Halo 3 campaign and that was it basically. I admit I did smile while playing it because I managed to activate my cloaking device, sneaked past some Grunts as well as Brute bodygurads and assassinated the Brute Chieftain (who was armed with a fuel rod) before running away to hide to surprise the rest of my enemies and then arming the bomb. The first attempt ended badly as I punched the Chieftain in the back and all he done was turned my way and by then my cloak was depleted so I lobbed a few grenades while shooting/avoiding the blasts coming my way. The fuel rod canon wasn't what killed me, it was the Brute Shots that did. But I decided to try again and it was my first time properly assassinating a Chieftain.
Oh, and you know in my last journal I talked about Adam, the dickhead I foolishly had a crush on? Well, I have some updates on that matter.
Two weeks ago when we had that disagreement in which I "tarnished" his opinion of me due to my beliefs we didn't speak for two days. I for one didn't bother getting in contact with him as I said what I wanted to say to him on that night and there was nothing left to say to him. At the time my mum insisted I should block him right away but I told mum I'd only resort to blocking if he started on me again.Anyway that weekend on my Moodtrack app, I posted "I really don't know how to feel just recently. One one hand I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns. While on the other hand I'm consumed with doubt and anger towards everyone else as well as the world."
And then out of the blue, he commented, saying "Why are you angry?"
Sure, maybe he didn't know what the fuck I was on about, but at that moment I found myself feeling angry at him - mostly for what he done to me. Also I didn't want to dignify him with an answer because it's best to keep quiet at times and I felt like I no longer trusted him. So what I done was deleted his comment and blocked him on the mood app. I didn't stop there; I also deleted and blocked his number on my phone (so he can't call, text or talk to me on WhatsApp) as well as my Skype. I gave him absolutely no warning beforehand because a) I lost all respect for him and I wanted him out of my life for good and b) it's best if I keep my distance from him even if it means running in the opposite direction.
I really thought it would be the end of that, but nope he's now resorting to pestering me in other ways and I don't appreciate his 'stalking' at all. And no, I haven't unblocked him if that's what some of you may be thinking at this moment in time.
You see, there's a major flaw I've recently discovered of the Moodtrack app, one that I'm seriously not happy about for bloody good reasons. You can block a person on there and by doing that they are not able to comment on your posts at all. However there are two problems: 1) even though they're blocked they can still check out your page/all your posts (a bit like on here) and 2) they can still 'heart' your posts despite being blocked. Their heart system is the same as a Facebook like whenever you post something/a mood entry.
I have every reason to believe that he has realised I have blocked him from all my devices and he's not too happy with what I've done and now he might be wanting to get his own back on me. I could be wrong, but I've learned what a snake he can be. That, and what a controlling bastard he can be. Seriously, I don't know what I saw in that creep anyway, especially when he said things like "If you're serious about wanting to be mine I want you to dress like you mean business" and other shit like that. And don't get me started on contraception - he gave me the choice of going on the pill or him wearing condoms, so I decided to go with the latter because I have no reason to be on the pill. I'm not sexually active and I have no problems with my periods. At first he agreed with my decision, but a few days later he changed his mind and insisted I should go on the pill because (and I'm sorry for being crude or that it's too much information) he wanted to cum inside me without no barriers between us.
I'm sorry but I refuse to have sex with a man without a condom. The pill does protect you from pregnancy but it doesn't protect you from STDs. And because he's had sex in the past who knows if he has caught something, especially if he doesn't wear a condom. Overall I don't want to catch a STD, nobody does. That's why I would prefer a man to wear protection if and when I do find myself having sex for the first time. And if he doesn't like wearing condoms for whatever reason I still won't have sex with him. The only time I'll have unprotected sex is if the man and I were in a long term relationship in which we're serious about one another, or if I'm married. Other than that, I'm not changing my opinion for any man anytime soon.
But I digress. Back to what I was saying before I rambled about safe sex and whatnot. I've noticed that since this weekend he has hearted/liked some of my moods/posts, especially when I'm not feeling so good emotionally. The first mood he liked was something really mundane e.g. I mentioned how crap I was at Plague Inc after a long while of not playing the xbox one and that I should give it a rest as the more I was losing the more disappointed I become. When he hearted it I was confused because I thought I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him hence why I blocked him on the app. I seriously thought he would back off for good.
And because yesterday and also this morning I've struggled with my emotions, especially me being a virgin and not trusting men when it comes to relationships/the fear of being single for the rest of my life. And a few hours ago I was in a bit of a dark mood/having negative thoughts and kinda hating myself, in a weak moment I posted this:
"Can waiting for the right person to lose your virginity to damages your psyche and destroys your self esteem? Because I'm beginning to think that. I'm beginning to think I have unintentionally hurt myself for still being a virgin in my late 20s..."
Needless to say he hearted it and it began clear to me that he was delighting in my suffering despite the fact he couldn't verbally say anything to me. And me checking out his mood (that he posted 5 minutes after hearting mine) proved my theory to be kinda right. He mentioned how often he wanted to be the bad guy and that he could use or take people for granted. Also he finds himself questioning how good he really was because being blunt and honest hurt people's feelings, but he knows that's he a good person and that he also regrets not being a douchebag.
Now reading that triggered off the alarm bells in my head and I automatically told mum. She wasn't happy with me posting my private business on 'social media' (when really it's a phone app where you're encouraged to post how you feel and seek/give advice - there are worse posts that other people post such as some of them wanting to commit suicide, their parents giving them a hard time, etc). Mum says when I'm saying things like my virginity and my love life (when in reality it doesn't exist at all) I'm only spurring him on and in a way drawing him onto me for no reason at all.
I get her opinion and I do see what she's saying. She wants me to be sensible only because she cares about me like a parent should do. But why should I censor myself in a small way? Am I not free to express myself regardless of how good or bad I'm feeling?
But then again mum did raise a good point. She told me "For all you know he can be a stalker in real life." I have no reason to question her judgement because everything what she said about him so far was right. He's certainly not a person worth knowing. I'm ten times better than him. He's just the shit that sticks to my shoe, nothing more. I've been told many times for the past few weeks not to let anyone put me down because I deserve better.
So after mulling over what mum told me, I decided to take action. First of all, in class I emailed the app support team and made a complaint, asking is there any way that he can be blocked from my page for good and not heart my posts at all. Then I done a little research online for some ways about changing negative thinking and one of the websites inspired me. Their suggestion was to keep a thought journal to keep note of my negative thinking on a regular basis and to also start a gratitude/positive things about you journal. So after the class was wrapped up I popped into the nearest supermarket and bought myself two notebooks.
That way I can freely express myself and I can look back on it as personal growth or something like that. And the beauty of it is that nobody can look at it nor am I drawing unwanted people on me. In the Recro course we did talk about different types of business such as you should mind your business and not let anyone else mind your business for you because it has nothing to do with them. And if you're more focused on other people's business rather than your own that creates an imbalance, thus leading to jealously from comparing yourself to others as well as other negative emotions/thinking.
As for the Moodtrack app I have abandoned my account and made myself a new one. A fresh start is always good, right? I try my best to be positive on there and cut down on the negativity - at least when I do feel negative then I can save that for my notebook.
Small changes does make a big difference. That's what I should remember, especially in bad times.
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